Girls Night!

I was driving with my dad in his car and said,

"Dad, what if this feeling never goes away? What if I feel anxious forever"?

"Eh, then just have kids"! He laughed.

"Dad I'm serious, that would be so sad, I'm not just going to 'fix' this feeling with kids"?

"Honey, you're just nervous about all the wedding details-" I cut him off...

"No dad, I'm not worried about the wedding, I'm worried about the marriage".

My dad get's very quiet. "You know," he says...

"King David was told he would be king far before he was actually ever crowned King. David wasn't the man he eventually would be when God told him he would be king. There was training". His eyes began to well up with tears. He began to cry and through the crackle of his voice he said,

" I believe with my whole heart that God has a calling on Patricks life and has anointed him in a way none of us could possible imagine. I believe he is like King David. I think in ten years we will look back and think, 'wow we thought this calling was on Jordan or Jillene or J. Tyler and it was Patrick all along. God has a huge call on his life".

I believed him. I do believe him. I trust my father. I trust his relationship with God. I trust that for whatever reason, after Patrick and I were only dating for a month, he came up to us in church and gave us his blessing. I trust that my father would tell me if this was a bad decision. I would stand in his faith.

It was my Wedding Day Eve...

I spent the day being alone in silence and prayer. Eventually I began to wrap the gifts for my bridesmaids. I had gone to Macy's in search of robes and the kind of silk robes I wanted to give them, Macy's had exactly 6 in all their right sizes! When I went to pick out some jewelry the necklaces I liked were $50 each before tax...So I put them back. But then learned they were like 60% off!! So I went back and thoughtfully looked at each charmed necklace and prayed through which one I thought would bless each person. I was so excited to give them these little gifts! I also found little party glittery crowns and my mom made each of them a champagne glass ballerina! (Pictured Below). I also wrapped the different gifts we had picked out for our parents, siblings, and others to share how thankful we were for their presence in this process.

I got dressed in my engagement dress, grabbed my bouquet my sister in law made for me from my bridal shower tissue paper, and headed to the church for the rehearsal with my new brother in law Marc. He said the sweetest thing, something like...

" You know Patrick doesn't really intuitively get the whole needing to be alone thing" (you got that right little brother!) But I want you to know that if you just ask him directly, he won't be offended and will totally give it to you. In our family, we just need to be direct, we're not very good at guessing what people need. I am...but the rest of them... you need to just say it straight. I can tell when you need to be alone, and have watched Patrick miss it already a couple times since we've been here. I've thought dude, she needs some space! It's kinda funny". I felt so loved by his tender heart. We got to the church and parked.

Honestly the rehearsal was such a blur. I think I just checked out. It seemed too surreal, and honestly I think everyone was still wondering "is this wedding really going to happen"?

As Patrick and I were standing at the alter and our day of wedding coordinator spoke with the wedding party I felt the Holy Spirit say, "tell Patrick you won't leave him at the alter and you will be here tomorrow". So I did. It didn't seem to effect him in that moment but he said, "thank you for saying that".

I drove Gracie and her boyfriend Seth down to the Riviera Village where Patricks mother planned our rehearsal dinner to be. We walked into the banquet hall and she did a beautiful job decorating the tables with lovely flowers and little thank you letters she designed from Patrick and I. She is VERY talented with making cards and they were too beautiful. It was such a thoughtful night. We had one long table like it was the last supper ( I mean it was for single Jillene) with around 40 people there. I still felt nervous, didn't speak with Patrick a whole lot, but it was all in all a very charming evening.

Right as food was served, the doors opened and my nephew, his fiance, and their daughter came through the doors! I stood up and started crying! I was told they wouldn't be able to make it and last minute (literally the evening before) they decided to fly out here! My nephew is in his mid-twenties, and one of the warmest people I know. In some ways he feels like he could be my uncle, or my very own brother. I feel safe when he's around. He's the kind of guy that has your back no matter what, he's a family, man very tender in his spirit, but tough tough tough. I didn't realize how important it was to me that Zac was there until he walked in the room. I was so thankful for my sister-in-love to fly them out here, I felt so seen and taken care of in that moment.

Through this whole process my sister-in-love sacrificed so much to support me. She changed her summer vacation plans, she sacrificed time dress shopping with me FOR HOURS ON HOURS ON HOURS. Listened to me through tears, cried with me, went on walks processing with me, did self-help analyzing with me, spoke with me, and truly walked along side me through the muck and myer. Yes there were a lot of people who did this as well (my mom for sure!) but this felt like a true moment of bonding and connection with her that was really special to me.

At the end of the night, the girls and I were dropped off at the Terranea Resort. SO FANCY! Wow! We got there late in the evening to the beautiful golden light peeking out of the lobby. It was surrounded with tree's, and palms and looked like we left CA and went to Europe. The notes of a live piano trickled out of the doors. It was Majestic. (seriously google pictures if you've never been). I was so thankful to be with women in this moment for the first time, we felt so razzle dazzled, like princesses!

We were driven in Escalades to our bungalow...yeah, what? I honestly didn't know what a bungalow was when I reserved it, I was just given a night free and they told me for the amount of people this was the cheapest option. So a Bungalow is your own house. HUH?! We walked into the beautiful golden room with rich reds, and dark oak wood, and an outdoor fire place already lit and waiting for us. We all screamed and explored our place! We filled the fridge with snacks and then went outside and snuggled around the fire pit. We drank non-alcoholic champagne called "Fre" (it's AMAZING!) in our ballerina homemade champagne glasses, and I passed out their gifts and affirmed each of them once I gave it. Juliette, Valerie, Kate, Gracie, Mary and Amanda (who would arrive the next day). Each one of these girls have marked my life forever with their beauty.

My sweet friend Kate began to ask me really specific and fun girly questions about Patrick and got me really in the "bridal party" mood. She's so good at conversing! The night would have been so different if she wasn't there. No one had asked me in FOREVER why I did love him, and what I was excited about and she really helped me remember why I indeed was choosing him. Being with my girls brought me so much joy and peace. I wish we had longer than one night (but I'm hoping for an anniversary vacation one of these days)!

After we had reminisced and laughed and shared the warmth of the fire I was ready to go to bed. I hadn't slept through the night in a month because of the intense anxiety. So before I went to bed all the girls laid hands on me and began to pray for me. As they were praying I felt the presence of God wash over me and His overwhelming peace, a peace I had long forgotten, resurrected my dead bones. It felt like the climate of heaven entered my room. I fell into a deep deep sleep. The deepest sleep I think I've ever had in my life. Full of peace. No dreams, just pure rest. My maid of honor slipped in the bed with me after I had already fallen asleep. When I woke up with no anxiety for the first time since I got engaged, I smiled at seeing my best friend lying there beside me. It was my wedding day. And as a wedding present the Lord had given me rest for my soul.

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11