Patrick writes his point of view

Monday

I had been on tour for the past three months and I was finally coming back home! I had been living in Jillene’s eldest brother’s guest room for the two months prior to tour so I wasn’t exactly coming back to a familiar bed, but I was coming back to familiar people, and most importantly, my Soon-to-be wife. I woke up in Hollywood, Florida after completing our final show for the tour the night before and was to travel to Los Angeles at the crack of dawn. I realized on my flight that I had some anticipation and anxiety upon returning home. Jillene and I had been able to chat over FaceTime and even travel out to see one another but that’s not the same as being together in person. A lot had transpired over the past 3 months, and not all of it wonderful and flowery. But we were to see each other and had 5 days before we were getting married so there wasn’t much time to overthink anything. We love each other! WOW! Lets make it happen!

When I got off the plane, I realized that we still did not have our marriage license. I recalled that the courthouse wasn’t too far away from LAX so when Jillene arrived to pick me up, I quickly said goodbye to those I had lived with for the last quarter of a year to jump in the car and get things going! It was go time. Five days was no time at all for all the prep work we needed!

I realized Jillene was in her head while on our way to the courthouse, but that was okay, it was only natural that we would feel off considering our current situation. The temptation to question our feelings at every moment was incredibly strong. Why do I feel ____? Why don’t I feel _____? Is this wedding really going to happen?? But nevertheless the courthouse got closer and closer as we drove and we eventually arrived as people who are going places tend to do. Jillene got in line while I messed with the computer to check us in. Everything seemed okay but as we got closer to the front of the line the anxiety heightened and I could tangibly feel Jillene feeling conflicted with a lot of change happening very fast. Our teller was very kind and shared with us some crazy stories that he had witnessed from his front row seat at the courthouse which was helpful to calm down the situation.

From the courthouse we then swung by our new apartment. I hadn’t seen it yet so I was a bit apprehensive. Even when we walked in I didn’t think I liked it at first, but I ultimately decided it was a fine place to live. The sentiment that changed my mind about the apartment was simply: This is our place, and we will grow together here. It didn’t matter if we were in a shack or a mansion, we had a place to ourselves. We now had a place to discover our dynamic, taste, and routine. We started to rearrange what little furniture we had in the apartment and before we left we already had a place we would soon start to love.

We then returned to Jillene’s old house and it was as if the entirety and weight of marriage dawned on her. A new apartment, a new roommate, a new depth to our relationship, new job for Jillene, and a new name for her as well! Needless to say, it was a lot to understand and process. The fact that the wedding was so soon, only made it seem more immediate and imperative to process everything quickly. It was an emotionally tough place to be in and I was able to hold her and let her speak her mind. I myself hadn’t realized the mountain of stressors she was going through until that moment. I was too caught up in the moment to assess what was going on. Ultimately though, Jillene was able to share what she was feeling and fell sleep on her uncomfortable mattress and woke up to another very full day.

Tuesday

Today was the day some of Jillene’s extended family arrived. I didn’t know any of them but I could tell how much Jillene missed them. It was a big day for me as the outsider moving into their family. I had no idea what to expect, I just hoped we all got along swimmingly! At the start of the day, I called Jillene and she had told me that she was on her period—HALLELUJAH. The timing of this paired with the date of our wedding didn’t make for a relaxing week leading up to the big day, but it did mean that there would be a green light for our wedding night! We had been so worried that we wouldn’t be able to consummate our marriage on day one! A thing I had never considered until we realized while I was on tour that maybe our timing was a bit off. We prayed and prayed, asking God to grant us this request so that we could boldly step into married life and fully dive into the beauty of what God designed marriage to entail.

So we went to brunch and ate food. The excitement from our conversation had died down as nerves crept into the edges of our thoughts. It was great to have Jillene’s family with the addition of her grandmother and cousin at the table to laugh and speak with. Jillene’s grandmother was hilarious! I didn’t always hear what she had to say, but I could hear her whispering into Jillene’s ear which made her crack up every few minutes. Whether her jokes had to do with the table’s conversation or not, I knew she was being silly and I loved it!

From brunch, Jillene’s brother invited us to the Skywalk in Downtown Los Angeles and grab dinner. It was so much fun! It was absolutely a touristy thing to do— but the fear of being in a glass box with 1,000 feet underneath you is exhilarating!

Throughout all of this however, I was in my head about some unfinished work I needed for the bachelor party as well as the groomsmen’s clothing. My best man Re’Sean was helping with the planning and I needed his help. I probably could have managed by myself had nothing else been going on at the time, but I was feeling really stressed and was about to permanently alter my life in 4 days! I convinced him to drive out to where I was staying to plan out everything and chat while Jillene, her brothers Jack and J , and Eric (cousin) watched the new Spiderman movie.

Crisis averted- the groomsmen had their clothing en route via Amazon and the Friday festivities were locked and loaded! I could breathe a bit more easily.

Wednesday

Jillene and I went to her parent’s house that morning to chat and talk, and afterwards Jillene had a dance lesson with her father! It was adorable to watch their bond come out through their Rumba lesson. I chatted briefly with the dance instructors but mostly walked away understanding their sweet and tender Father-daughter connection a little bit more.

We then went to a couples therapy session… I have to say I wasn’t thrilled by it. I felt that in order to be effective, he attempted to make a lot of judgement calls on who I am or what my family situation was as a child. Some things were right, but I guess I showed up with the perspective that Jillene and I would feel closer by the end of therapy, which was not the case. Jillene felt confused and I was angry. I felt like the therapy lesson ended up being the amalgamation of a few books I had recently read and had the thought “why do we need this guy??”Maybe I was playing out my gender role a little bit too well so I am open to my poor response being caused by it just being an off day.

We had made plans to go out salsa dancing with friends but were so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day that we called it quits. At the end of that day I was simply tired, that’s all I can remember.

Thursday

My family was in town! Woohoo! My parents had flown in the night before and were going to be meeting the majority of Jillene’s Family as well so I was really excited to witness them all together. The plan was to meet my mother for coffee with Jillene first and then meet up with all of the extended family to make party favors for the wedding. When I picked Jillene up, she was noticeably anxious. I knew she was struggling that morning so I think it was an extra pressure to then meet with my mother for the first time just the three of us. It was so important to me that my soon to be wife would have a relationship with my mother so I think I also added some pressure onto her. I went ahead to meet with my mother because Jillene was going to her last dress appointment after we had coffee. My mom had never been to Riviera Village before and I had spent so much time there for the past year that it was surreal seeing my mom in this new environment. I still loved it. I loved seeing her in a place I had come to love. The coffee was incredible and so was the conversation. It was amazing to see the two women in my life in one glance! Afterwards we went to make party favors. It went way smoother than I had originally thought. Everyone, Jillene’s family as well as mine, chipped in to our assembly line making quips and poking fun at each other as if they had known each other for years. In less than an hour we had assembled 150 party favors! It was time to go to beach! Jillene was outside in her car when we were finished on the phone with her brother Jordan. I had missed her while we were making favors and had been hoping she would be there. It was okay though, Jillene hadn’t spoken to Jordan in weeks and I’m sure she needed his calm, cool, and collected advice to help calm her nerves. We went to the beach as a group and just relaxed all together laying around on the sand. My parents left early to collect my grandparents and grand aunt and uncle from the airport and get them situated. I had a hair appointment, as did Jillene and was then going to have dinner with my family while Jillene had a bbq with hers. The hair cut took a very long time so I was pretty late to meeting with my family but it was great seeing them when I finally did. They all seemed so excited and overjoyed to be in Los Angeles, a lot of them were here for the first time! After dinner I went over to the bbq that Jillene was at to find her so excited to see me! It was a pleasant surprise after the tumultuous week to find her so genuinely excited!

Afterwards, I tucked Jillene in at her parents house. That lumpy mattress at her place was responsible for a very pained back, but there were many reasons for her lack of sleep. It was so hard to be unable to go into her head and fight off the negative, misleading thoughts. I stayed with her until she passed out, but all I could do was pray. I felt so helpless, but I knew that God was good despite what I was experiencing. I knew He was still watching out for us. I knew that Jillene’s process ran deep, but that God was present and available to heal what needed to be healed, stand in the gap of fear and hope, and guide us together as we chased after Him. It was hard, but endurable. He had shown up in such radical ways throughout our relationship that it only made sense that the Devil wanted to get in the way of all that! Praise God for Jillene’s resilience and willingness to seek out the Father’s love despite her environment and emotional climate.

After having a particularly powerful night, tangibly feeling God’s goodness I was at Jillene’s old house alone. I started imagining what could go wrong and got stuck in a pit of turmoil thinking that there was no way this was going to work! I KNEW in my heart Jillene would leave me at the altar. I had a suspicion and could not get it out of my head.

Cue the nightmares, cue the lack of sleep.

Friday

I woke up Friday morning convinced that there was no way that this marriage was going to work. I had been so confident the past year that I was so shocked at how I was feeling. I called my mom weeping. I needed advice, I needed comfort, I needed someone to tell me it was okay. She did that and more. She helped me calm down to a point where I could rationally think again. Where I could actually relax and move one foot in front of the other. It was a busy day of gathering furniture for the wedding , as well as my bachelor party, as well as the rehearsal dinner!

I gathered my groomsmen as well as Jack and his son Jonas at a church to borrow their tables for our reception. We very quickly got them over to our venue, Jillene’s father’s church, and dropped them off. I ended up sharing with Jack what my plans for the bachelor party had been and didn’t even realize as I was sharing with him that I had forgotten to include him in the festivities. It had completely slipped my mind three days before as I planned out going to an escape room with ReSean. I had made a mistake and truly hurt his feelings. It was not a cool move and I still can’t believe that I had been in his house planning a party that I wasn’t going to invite him to when he had been such a great friend to me this whole year!

Instantly felt awful, but then angry, but then sad, then worried about the wedding again, then excited, then guilty… There were so many things going on throughout the day. My groomsmen were great in just being with me while I experienced what I experienced. I really had to check out of my “situation” and dive into what was happening right in front of me or else I would have missed the whole day.

To Be continued… Rehearsal dinner, Bachelor Party, and Wedding coming up!