The Week of the Wedding, Part 2

Thursday: I woke up with the most anxiety I could possibly tolerate before going to a hospital. I didn't realize how much I feared fighting with my future spouse. When I was a child and felt afraid of parental fighting, I would just run away, that's how I delt with my feelings (or slept). That's how I was used to handling fear. I ran away. It made sense why all I wanted to do was run away from Patrick.

I asked his mom out to coffee earlier in the week because we had never spent one on one time together and it was really important to me to get to know my mother-in-law. But since I woke up and literally couldn't move, I thought I was going to have to cancel. Patrick came over and I told him I didn't think I could go. Anxiety is such a crazy thing because it's so physical it takes over your entire body like the flu, but you feel so afraid as if someone is about to pop out and scare you in the dark, and it never lets up. It's like you're in the womb of hell itself. My mom said, "No, Jillene you're going. You told her you would go and I think you will feel better if you do". I also was terrified of meeting her for coffee. I felt like she thought I was stealing her son away and I really wanted her to like me and embrace me like a daughter. But I never felt accepted by her or felt like I got that approving "I'm so excited to have you as part of the family" or "congratulations we are so excited for you". I didn't realize that I had hopes and dreams of what it would be like to have a whole new family and I just wanted it to go well. I mean I'm sure it's hard to have much confidence in us when I'm losing my mind every second, but I guess I just wanted that motherly warmth to know that it was all going to be okay and know that she loved me.

Patrick came with met coffee. We sat down with his mom and my fear was imediatley released. Her kindness brought warmth to my heart and I began to relax. My mom was right, the change of scenery and sticking to what I said I would do served well. There was laughter and connection and I was able to settle down. I was thankful that beautiful moment wasn't stolen from me.

Everyone went to my moms house to help assemble my favors as a family, but like clock work the anxiety came flying back. I trapped myself in my car trying to breathe. Here my whole Cook family and all my relatives from Buffalo WERE HERE WORKING TOGETHER AND ENJOYING ONE ANOTHER AND I WAS TRAPPED IN MY SKIN INSIDE MY CAR. By the grace of God in that moment my little brother, who was on a missions trip, randomly called me; I hadn't heard from him in weeks. He assured me he thought this marriage was a good thing and everything I was feeling just seemed demonic and like spiritual attack and fear, not based in true reasons as to why we shouldn't be married. We talked for an hour, which was about as long as it took for me to start to calm down and walk.

I saw my family leave my parents house and begin to walk to my brothers house. I had missed it. The whole family being together and doing favors. I was so mad at God "Why are you allowing me to be this attacked before I get married?! Why can't I feel rest and enjoy this time in my life". I felt like there was a war going on and Satans army was taking so much ground. I was so confused?

We all went to the beach, I continued to feel anxious and overwhelmed. Everyone was enjoying themselves at the beach and I felt trapped in my own mind. Any advice I tried to get from family members felt empty and unhelpful. It wasn't their fault, my family loves me so much and were trying their best to help, but it was truly something spiritual that was happening. That's the only way I can explain it.

Following the beach, Patrick and I both went to our hair appointments. I hadn't slept in days, could barley eat, and looked terrible. I looked like someone in my life had died or I had just seen a ghost. My hair dresser who's known me for years was very concerned over my lack of excitement about getting married. I was so embarrassed. Here's supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I was a walking mess. But it didn't stop him from doing an INCREDIBLE job on my hair!! HEY_YO!!

I went over to my parents for a family BBQ and I was a mess and the smell of alcohol was not helping. Having someone speak really close to my face with alcohol on their breath just fills me with bad memories and fear. Everyone was in the kitchen and I went into the living room fell on my knees and just began crying out to the Lord silently. My mom came in and said something to me like "Jillene what are doing there are people here" To which I ignored and kept praying. I was so mad, how could she think anything at this moment was more important than praying to God when I was LITERALLY losing my marbles. Nothing and no one else mattered. I'd been around people for days and no council or advice was helping. I didn't care that there was a huge party there for me, I needed to pray. So that's what I did. My face to the floor, praying, not caring who it made uncomfortable. I had come to the end of myself and all I could do was rely on Jesus. Maybe it was selfish? I know they were all their for me, but it wasn't what I needed, I didn't need people, I needed Jesus.

Eventually my brother J Tyler came into the living room and asked me what was wrong. I told him simply, I dont think I can do this? Why would I be feeling this tortured if this was a good thing? Why is everything crying out in me to run away if this is God? I don't care that everyone feels confident because at the end of the day I'm the one who will be married, and I can't live like this! He suggested that I put this thinking on pause. That I could go back to it tonight, but since we had a house full of people here for me I should go hang out with everyone. He was right.

I went to the bathroom to collect myself and began sobbing. I remember my mom saying sometime earlier in the week, "Jillene you've been asking God the same question for a year 'Am I supposed to marry Patrick' when God isn't going to make you marry anyone. It is your choice, Marriage is a gift from God. Maybe you're asking the wrong question"? So I thought through my tears and prayed a new question,

"God, are you going to give me the strength to walk away or walk down the aisle? I can't live like this". and ever so faintly I heard:

I will give you the strength to walk down the aisle.

A glimmer of hope. I brushed myself off, got up, and went to join the party and kept thinking, "Satan, you are NOT going to rob another moment of celebration from me. NO"! My sweet cheerful dad came up to me and said, "Jillene, I have a surprise for you! Everyone come into the kitchen". So the whole family, about 15 of us, gathered in the kitchen. My dad shared that he and this other man have been in a band together for about a year. Haha what?! My dad's always presenting weird secrets like this. Like how the heck have you been in a band duo for a year and no one has known about it?

He dedicated the song to me and proceeded to sing the sweetest song, "Here comes my Baby" by The Tremeloes. I laughed and cried and beamed with joy. Anytime the slightest inclining of anxiety would start to creep in. I would reject it sternly. "This is a precious moment with my dad, nothing and no one is going to rob me of this"! (I'm listening to the song now as I write this blog and can't help but cry tears of joy). It was this beautiful moment of music bringing the whole family together.

After the song I ran up to him and gave him a big hug.

Shortly after, Patrick came over and I was genuinely excited to see him! I jumped into his arms and threw my legs around his waste and kissed him. I think by acting happy my body had forgotten that I was anxious? The whole family was chatting and connecting. Then everyone had gathered in the living room to watch a scene of Patrick in a tv show he was in. Somehow (I know this is exhausting ti hear, imagine experiencing it?) the anxiety began flooding back and I couldn't move or stay awake and began to sink into the couch. Patrick came up to me and asked, "what do you need right now"? "I think I just need to sleep", I said.

He walked me to my parents house while everyone was still enjoying the party. It was the evening before the rehearsal dinner and it was as if Satan sent every demon he had against me. I was sinking deep deep down into depression, anxiety, and fear. I told Patrick, "I don't know if I can do this? How am I going to walk down the aisle like this? How am I going to say vows to you like this"? I got in bed and he sat at the edge of it and we both began weeping and he prayed for me for about an hour till I fell asleep and then left.

About an hour later I woke up. My mom was asleep next to me in her bed. I felt like the whole world was spinning. I opened the Bible on my phone and played my brother's album REST. All I could do was pray, read the Bible, and listen to the lyrics of his music or I think I would have actually had a hard attack. I've never been so weak before. All I could do was hang on as tightly as I could to God or else I would've been overcome by fear. Like I said, this was bigger than a simple choice, this was the biggest spiritual attack I had ever experienced. As I prayed I ask God, "This is supposed to be a time of love and romance what's happening"? I felt the Spirit say, "Don't compare this moment to what it's 'supposed' to be, this is a war. You are in a battle". I can only imagine it has to do with the beauty our marriage will eventually create in the world and all the evil forces of hell were working overtime to try and keep us from coming together. So I held onto my identity as a warrior princess for the Kingdom of God and continued to pray and worship the entire night. I didn't sleep. I just prayed until the sunlight flooded my moms room and she woke up.

My mom assured me and reminded me that I have people of prayer surrounding me and she see's that I will marry him. She can't explain it other than in the depths of her being she knows we will end up being together. It was the day of my rehearsal dinner, the eve of my wedding. It was time to get up, pull up my boot straps and trust the LORD.

Galatians 6:9-10The Message (MSG)

9-10 So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Lyrics to "Here comes my Baby"

In the midnight moonlight I'll be walking a long and lonely mile, And every time I do, I keep seeing this picture of you

Here comes my baby, here she comes now, And-a it becomes as no surprise to me With another guy,

Well, here comes my baby, here she comes now, Walking with a love, With a love that's oh so fine Never to be mine, no matter how I try,

You'll never walk alone, And you're forever talking on the phone I try to call you names, But every time it comes out the shame

Here comes my baby...