The Week of the Wedding, Part 1

I know I know, long time no see/talk/hear. Well, I've been reluctant to write about the week before the wedding because of how trying it was. But the juxtaposition of how the week before the wedding and the wedding itself is so beautiful and reveals the beauty and power of God in such a crazy way that I am pushing myself to write this post. If you choose to read this remember, those who sew in tears will reap in joy the LORD always promises Joy to come, and from death always comes Resurrection and new life. This Blog is the death, but the following Blog will reveal resurrection and NEW LIFE!

Recap: My fiance had been gone for 3 months on Tour with Paula Abdul. We had never been a part that long and I struggled with "fear of abandonment" so it was an extra hard time for me. I still was battling immense fear of commitment due to previous relationships that involved emotional and physical abuse. I had been single for 10 years prior to meeting Patrick Cook so I was very not used to being in a relationship and what loving another truly required of me. I began Physically experiencing panic and anxiety attacks for the first time in my life, my dog of 15 or so years died, my whole family was traveling from Buffalo to CA to see me, I barley knew his family at all, my little brother/best friend left for a missions trip, we planned a very detailed (and expensive) wedding in 3 weeks, and I still was battling doubt. YIKES.

Monday: I got in my car to pick-up my fiance, Patrick Cook from the airport. We were to be wed on Saturday, and hadn't seen each other consistently in 3 months. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, excited? nervous? happy? I see him, and he's beaming. I'm freaking out in my head, and open the door for him to get inside. I'm silent... I don't know what to say and have forgotten how to speak. He says "Hey! Why don't we go to court and get our marriage license"!?

REALLY?!?!

That's the first thing we should do after you getting off tour? THAT?!

We drive to the court house, and I feel like I'm walking to my death. He's excited of course, but I'm about to give up MY NAME! My name I've had my whole life will no longer be mine? My name connecting me to my whole family, my brothers, my home, ME. My name "Johnson" meaning "Yahweh has favored" in exchange for Cook meaning "seller of cooked meats"...(if you could see my face right now).

As we speak to the teller, I can't hold back the tears from streaming down my face. I feel like I am dying. The teller is obviously concerned and tries to lighten the mood by sharing some funny stories from couples in the past. He then gives me this affirming look and says, "you know, you don't have to do this... we can make your last name your middle name"? But I said, "No, I really like my middle name. Thank you though". After already being under so much pressure, why was this the FIRST thing we had to do together? So, I hung onto this little light...at least I'll have the same initials as Jesus Christ! And the initials J.A.C. I could be called Jack when I'm in my thirties with a baby and turn into this cool hip mom! Plus ...Patrick Allan Cook has the instagram Patrick_a_Cook... Jillene Anzanetta Cook can have the Instagram Jillene_a_Cook. We can be twins and be really annoying! (There's always streams of gold and blessings in all trials and situations if we look on the bright side).

We drive to go see our new apartment I had picked out while he was gone. It felt a lot smaller with him in it. I freaked out. "Oh no", I thought, "it's just going to be us, all by ourselves in this tiny apartment. What the heck. I'm going to be trapped with this stranger". I think I didn't say a single word the entire time we were in there. He again, was glowing just so excited about our new place! He only saw pictures and a video of the loft and wasn't there to help pick it out, so he was just excited to see where our new life would take place. Clearly we were in very different places.

We drove back to my house that looked so barren now that all my furniture had been taken out and placed in the new apartment. All I had in my room was a sad mattress in the corner, with a pillow and small blanket. I fell onto my "bed" and began to weep. I shared with him the pains of losing my name and losing my house and moving into an apartment and losing everything about single Jillene and how sad it all was. Patrick could have said, "I never said you had to change your name? You have full freedom to keep your last name. I never said we had to move, that was your idea. I never said we had to have THAT apartment. You picked it out. I never said you had to move everything out of your room already. Everything your are freaking out about are choices you made". But because he is compassionate, and kind he said none of those things, though he had every right to... but instead gave me grace. He listened compassionatley and let me cry. And just let me mourn as I needed to. (Part of getting married, is giving up singleness and all that comes with it. Most of those things are upgrades, but somethings are sad to say goodbye to, even if it will be a good thing, and that's okay).

Tuesday:

I woke up to Patrick calling me in a chipper and cheerful mood, which only made me angry. I was super sassy and got off the phone with him thinking, "I literally just saw you last night, why are you calling me"? TMI ALERT if you're weird about girly things, skip to next paragraph. Then I went to the bathroom and realized I got my period!!! THIS WAS INCREDIBLE NEWS! I literally started sobbing and called Patrick who screamed joyfully on the other end of the phone!! Relief and joy bursts into the house! Why the heck was this such good news you might ask? Well, after we planned the wedding I was told about an app that told you when you're ovulating (because no babies.) but it also tells you when you will start your cycle. And I was to start the day before our wedding! I thought God was punishing me. How could I have stayed a virgin my whole life to then be on my period on my wedding night? Plus I had been told that having sex on your period is sinful. Whether or not that is true I couldn't get it out of my head. SO it thought, "okay I will be on my period and sinning? The one time it's not a sin it will be"? My mom suggested I get on birth control but I learned that wouldn't have changed anything at that point. So I chose not to freak out and PRAY that it would come earlier WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE. Periods don't come earlier. If anything you could workout or stress enough so that they're missed or come later. But they don't come early. That doesn't happen. But I believe in a God of the impossible, so we prayed. We prayed for it to come early enough that it would end before my wedding night. And PRAISE THE LORD it came a week earlier! I felt God had answered such a silly prayer in the scheme of life, but it was important to us! I felt so seen by God. It was truly a miracle.

As a family we all went out to brunch and somehow I was filled with anxiety again. I couldn't eat and was full of doubt and fear. (How? Well Satan loves to kill steal and destroy, so anytime I was filled with hope that this marriage was in fact a gift from God, it was like arrows of spiritual fear were shot directly in my skull). My brother suggested we go to the Sky Slide in LA. Reluctantly, I said yes. It was me, my brothers, Patrick, and my cousin. The guys and I had so much fun! I felt like we were all just laughing and connecting the whole day! We ended the night eating Sushi and then driving back to my older brothers house to watch the new Spiderman movie. Patrick's Best Man Resean came over and they finalized all the mens clothes.

Wednesday:

I remember vaguely. I know Patrick and I went over to my parents house and jokingly danced to "our song" for the wedding. We wanted to choreograph something but decided we would rather just improvise and have fun! My dad and I also practiced our Rumba we had been learning from the dance studio we'd been going to. Then the three of us drove to the dance studio for my dad and I to practice our "Girl from Ipenema" dance. It was so sweet dancing with my little dad. He would get excited and nervous and concentrate so hard. I loved the dance lessons he and I took together before the wedding. The way he would slightly bounce and keep time with his knees before we started; the way he would lift both his elbows like a chicken on the 1 to keep in time; the way he avoided looking me in the eyes because he was looking to the ceiling smiling and biting his tongue. It's a memory I will cherish forever.

Afterwards Patrick and I went to therapy together for the first time to the therapist I'd been seeing for a few weeks. He asked each of us individually if we both feel like we've sought out all other possible options in a mate know that we want one another. Patrick gave a confident yes, and I couldn't answer the question. I couldn't stop crying and was filled with so much doubt. I was hoping we would go to therapy and feel amazing but instead I left feeling insecure and uneasy about this choice, and wondered if I had feelings for anyone else? Patrick and I stayed in the car for an hour after the session and talked it out best we could. There was a bit of relief but still much insecurity.

That night I went to sleep at my parents so I didn't have to sleep on the floor again because my back was hurting. I came home and my parents didn't hear me come in, but they were fighting. I crept into my grandma's room and heard the unfair words spoken to one another. I began to pray for them and then found myself praying that Patrick and I wouldn't fight in our marriage. I was flooded with memories as a child falling asleep to my parents fighting and how much I hated it. I kept thinking, I don't want that kind of marriage, I don't want my kids to hear us fighting and all of a sudden I was thrown right back into being afriad of marriage, and was filled with physical anxiety. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I was too overwhelmed with the effects of fighting in families.

Now listen up, their marriage is beautiful! They love each other so much and have truly shown me the power of covenant, working through hardships no matter what is thrown your way, and the loyalty and redemption of God! This fight of theirs I had experienced was rare, but I was just reminded of what unfair fighting looks like and didn't know how to "fight fairly" in a relationship. I had never actually seen my parents reconcile so it was never modeled to me. Of course they would reconcile, but it always happened after I fell asleep, so I never got to see the "coming together" after a hard talk. Of course no parent is perfect, and I don't expect mine to be, I'm simply learning from both their mistakes and victories to pass along to my future children. I'm very blessed in who God chose to send me to.

"we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" . Romans 5

To be Continued...