Will you marry him? Prt 2.

The next day I wake up feeling very overwhelmed. I went into the bathtub, and just sat in there crying. I was so stressed out trying to make this life changing decision. I knew the job I interviewed for was having their meeting this day regarding whether or not they would hire me, and though I was 98% sure I would get the job, that 2% was full of emotions. So between this new job and new marriage, little Jillene wasn't doing so hot. Patrick came into the tub with me (we were both fully clothed, no water LAWLZ) and held me in his arms while I cried. I knew he was so uncomfortable with his long body and bony booty stuck in this little tub, so it meant a lot to me that he was willing to be uncomfortable for me in that moment.

He brought in the Bible and began to read to me. When we are together we do either a couple chapters of the Bible or our Jesus Calling devotional everyday together. We've just found that it not only brings us closer together as a couple when we focus on Jesus, but It also clears our minds to focus on things above than be locked into momentary tension, it brings the bigger picture into perspective. Eventually I am calm and we go outside in search of some delicious coffee, The White Squirrel.

Toronto is beautiful! It's like a clean, ethnically diverse, peaceful NYC. As we walk about the city I'm balancing sanity with a nervous break down; trying to stay in the moment while also observing every single second to see if this was what I wanted for the rest of my life. I was driving myself crazy. We walk around in different shops here and there, trying to stay light hearted. We go back to the hotel to then hop in the van with everyone to go to the venue. Honestly this day is such a blur. We ate food. Saw the show. Went back to the hotel. Then went in our separate beds to sleep pretty early. (Hey! When you're stressing every minute of the day it's exhausting!)

Like clock work I wake up Wednesday morning full of anxiety and freaking out. We do a Jesus Calling Devotional and then get out of the hotel in search for coffee. We find an aesthetically pleasing place with terrible coffee. So bad. But we enjoy ourselves by playing cards outside. Then we find a place for lunch. All the while I'm tying to voice to him the ways that I'm stressed and my worries about getting married. ALRIGHT WARNING YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ TMI. While we were at lunch I started my period. My close mentor said, "If you are fighting with your BF or husband you have to check 3 things. Are you tired? Are you hungry? Or are you PMSing? If any of those things are true, drop the fight entirely...".

So I came back from the bathroom and said, "okay we can drop everything I'm talking about. I'm probably being hormonal". He laughed and we went about our morning feeling relieved that some of this anxiety could just be my physical body. On the way home Patrick asked me, "On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate how fun this trip has been"? I said, "that's a weird thing to ask"? I told him I didn't want him to feel like he was on an audition for how much he could entertain me and have fun? He replied, "Right, but you're here for a vacation before VBS and it doesn't sound like this has been much of a vacation and I'm sorry for that". I started crying. I felt so bad that 1. I truly wasn't having fun and felt like it would have been better had I stayed home. 2. I felt bad that he was under so much pressure to prove himself to me that we could have fun and 3. I still didn't know what choice to make and was beginning to feel hopeless things wouldn't change before I went home...

By the time we got to the hotel, he just looked at me before we went inside and said "I'm sorry you're not having fun". I felt so guilty and in trouble, like I was doing something wrong. I started crying so much, not the kind where you're sobbing with your mouth, the deep kind where your face looks numb while water endlessly pours from your eyes. Plus the pressure of having to leave the hotel in 5 minutes to catch the van saddened me because we couldn't even talk about it.

We go down to the van and were late. It was just the stage manager waiting for us, and a whole 12 passenger van to just the 3 of us. I had my sunglasses on but I'm sure he could sense things were not okay. Patrick went to stage once we got there, and my friend Cristina came in and we talked for about an hour. I was sobbing and opened up to her about everything. She hardly knows me, is a christian, and married herself, and said "you know I just think you are scared. Everything that happened in your child hood I think gave you a big fear of marriage. You don't have to rush but I think Patrick is an amazing guy and you can trust him". A little bit of hope was instilled.

Patrick came back and I was a bit more of a person. He said that they were going to go rehearse so I followed them upstairs. While they were rehearsing my potential new boss called me to talk about how the meeting went. He asked why I sounded so distressed. I told him about me trying to decide whether or not I would marry Patrick this week. He asked "Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself?!" I told him.

"Well I did that thing one should never do... I had told God, if you give me this job I will marry him, if you don't give me this job I will break up with him". He started laughing because my potential new boss had called to tell me didn't tell me the committee who is hiring me want to take a week to pray about it". aka Jesus said, "Don't put me in that position. This is YOUR choice. Don't leave it up to fate". (Isn't God hilarious sometimes??)

My potential new boss said, "What if marriage isn't about happiness but about holiness? It sounds like you are free to be yourself with Patrick, and it shouldn't be overlooked that while you've been processing these really hard questions and deep fears with him, he stayed. That should not be overlooked. Many men could not handle what you two have gone through. Now I don't know the guy, but I think that's worth considering". Again I was filled with hope.

As I got off the phone I pondered how I could better connect with Patrick. I thought gosh, if Patrick was just my friend, I would be curious about him and engaging with him in conversation, not trying to make him please me. So I thought, I'm just going to treat him the way I would treat all my friends. We walked down to dinner, got some food and once we sat I asked him "What's your favorite pasta"? he said "You know I don't actually eat pasta that much cause it makes me feel guilty". My ears perked up and I said, "oh really? that so so funny I feel the same way". Then he said, but if I had to pick it would be Gnocchi and Pesto". I Freaked out and got way too excited. "Wait?!?! really? That's my favorite pasta"?!! I overreacted because in that split moment I was filled with hope that not only were there still things I didn't know about him, but there were things we had in common I didn't know about him. That was the moment I knew I could marry him. I know what you're thinking... THAT was when you knew? You liked the same pasta secretly? IT's more than that, it's because I knew there was a possibility that I can't actually predict the way things WILL be because I still don't have all the information. The information about him, us, and our future. And I"m actually not meant to. I'm not meant to be a fortune teller, I am meant to choose love and trust God. God knows the future and my friends ( who all believe in us getting married) can see my blind spots. That's why being in a trusting selfless community is so important. Maybe the information God has about our marriage would make me excited too if I was living outside of time?

After that conversation something broke in the atmosphere. Laughter re-entered our conversation and we got to eat with our friends and laugh with them. We went back into the dressing room and all the dancers were being crazy and we were all laughing together. I then went out to see the show. It was so fun, Boys to Men really had their harmonies down! Then Paula's show starts and it was super sweet watching Patrick.

While Paula was on stage for a solo number and the dancers were taking a break, Patrick snuck into the pit where I was, comes up behind me and kisses me on the cheek. I gush. I turn around and kiss him back. It was the cuteness. Then he ran backstage again. All the women around me started freaking out saying "That is the sweetest thing I've ever seen!!!". I felt so special and romanced.

After the show we all get back in the van and there's so much connection. We played a silly game in the van with everyone and then went out to dinner with another couple we are friends with. It was so fun talking with them all night and dreaming up different jobs Patrick and I could have together on the road! Our guy friend and Patrick were talking about a confrontational moment Patrick led with the group of dancers and was commending him on how well he handled the situation. I knew in my head it was due to a conversation Patrick and I had about it, but was so stoked that one of the dancers felt so touched by it. To my surprise Patrick shared that it was because of me. He didn't have to do that at all but I felt so seen that he is the kind of man that is humble enough to credit me with an idea, even though he executed it. I think a lot of men take credit for ideas their wives or girlfriends inspire and that's where that saying goes, "behind every strong man there's a strong woman". I felt so honored by him. The end of the day feelings were like night and day. I was being filled with joy, laughing so much, and enjoying Patrick tremendously...I just had to take a step back and stop judging the situation. It seemed like things were starting to turn around after all.