This is the week you decide, will you marry him?

Patrick asked me that if I did want to get married in July that I would give him a month’s notice so he could tell his family and flights wouldn't be too expensive. Totally reasonable. But June 22 was only 3 days away and I still couldn't tell if I could be all in yet. How the heck was I supposed to make this decision? What was I looking for? What did I need? I didn't know...

Everyone just kept telling me I would feel this thing deep in my gut that you just "know", but I didn't have that. Between my overly analytical brain and deep seeded fear of marriage, how the heck was I to know if I had a gut feeling of knowing?

I spent my time on the airplane journaling, reading the Bible, and watching Hacksaw Ridge. I cried the whole movie. It pulled at the two strings of my heart I so deeply desired: a beautiful romantic love story and a heart totally sold out for doing the kind loving things of God.

After I get off the plane and go through customs I hop in a cab driven by this kind Indian man. We begin to share about our different religious point of views. At the end of the ride I get to pray for him and we both felt so encouraged and full of the Spirit. It was amazing!

Patrick was waiting in the hotel lobby hiding behind a pillar. He comes out and we hug and laugh and it's totally awkward haha. It's really strange not seeing someone you love for weeks at a time and only being able to talk on the phone. You forget what it feels like to be around them, you're so guarded from trying not to miss them, and you're wondering why you feel weird and nervous and overwhelmed. It's a very crazy thing. There's so much more pressure around it than when you see just a friend or family member you miss. There are so many walls up that aren't ready to come down.

At least I know the pattern now: When he leaves - I don't want to feel sad, so I put up emotional walls and guard my heart so I’m not sad and missing him and can be a functional human being. Otherwise silly fights occur where the root of every one is "I miss you and wish you were here... but now we are fighting about there being bad cell reception". It's dumb. It's the worst. I hate tour.

We go for a walk to get some delicious vegan gluten free cupcakes and salad. On our way back we see this park that we go in and dance together. It's hard for me to relax and just enjoy the moment because the whole time I'm just thinking “Okay do I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Is this enough fun for the rest of my life? Is this conversation interesting enough for the rest of my life?" and so on. Being in your head can really rob you of life and being present. Every moment then becomes about judgement and comparison instead of presence and freedom and serving one another selflessly.

I tell him, “Okay, if you let me lick your eyeball I will marry you.”(why? cause I'm a little weirdo and he's really not into germs so there is no way he would let me)! But he said...very apprehensively...okay... I could see the dread in his eyes, it hurt my heart too much to put him through something he would hate that badly. So we go back to being silly and then head back to the hotel.

Now I haven't really talked about our "purity walk" on this blog, because that's not really the topic I'm going after. HOWEVER, I will share a little in this moment. I think couples naturally go for physical intimacy in times when they are feeling disconnected as a way to regain intimacy. Sometimes that's a good idea (In marriage), and sometimes it is not (not in marriage). I mean after all that's what physical intimacy is for, to connect two people. Like I've said before, we believe that sort of connection is meant for a husband and wife. We haven't had sex and are waiting till we get married. So we were simply kissing (but there's a point when even kissing can start turning into something that is TOO MUCH) so once we both realized that shift we said NOPE! this energy is sexy energy. no way. not for us. not what we are going for, so we stopped and then talked about it. Those moments of feeling like we need to regain intimacy physically always lie to us, it's like our "flesh" is saying "go for it then everything will be better! But it's never true, because after small moments of physical intimacy outside of marriage I always just feel guilty, more disconnected from Patrick and like trust has been broken. Before this turns into another blog, all of this to say: Yes we struggle like everyone else in this area. No we haven't had sex. And I have SO MUCH to say on this topic so I can't start now!

Anyway, we got to bed (In our separate beds) a little disheartened, and go to sleep.

If I could go back in time I would have had a little bit more grace for myself. I wish I wouldn't have let anyone, or anytime line pressure me into making a decision. I wish more people including myself would have encouraged me to just be still and quiet, spend time alone and trust that God would reveal the right timing in his time. That I shouldn't force God into my agenda based off of flights bought, family concerns, or logistics. I wish I was given more space to rest and seek God and have some more mercy. But God, I trust you make all things good. You know my heart and my intentions, and my fears, and I know you will teach me, mature me, and grow me through all of this for the better. Thank you God for being so forgiving and kind and gentle with me and my heart. Never forcing me or controlling me, but gently guiding me with what I can bare.