Solitude and Silence Day 2...

The next morning I woke up and finished the book of Matthew. At the end I thought, "God I feel like Jesus is just really harsh? This doesn't make me love Jesus more and I feel confused." I felt the Spirit tell me, "Remember, Matthew was a tax collector, he was very factual and not too flowery." Then I felt Jesus say, "I speak the truth in love, what you are reading is all the truth, but you can't hear my tone which is filled with love. My words do sound harsh because the truth can be blunt, but I speak with love". I then went into the Chapel to worship. This time as I prayed and sang, I felt the Holy Spirit share with me that marriage to Christ isn't like marriage here on earth. It is a union in spirit, we are one with him, but on earth we become one flesh with our husband, not one spirit. Individually we both become one spirit with Christ, held together by love. When we die, there is no more "marriage" between humans because our flesh dies, but our spirit stays alive, and all of humanity is one, in love, in Christ. We are all in Union with Christ, with love, and therefore with one another. I began to understand how it was possible to be both the bride of Christ and the Bride of Patrick, and how those two are different.

I went back to the library for tea and to journal. I had a dream the night before that Patrick and I were given a daughter named Jackson Allan Cook. I looked up what the meaning of those two names were. Jackson means God has been gracious, God's favor. Allan means harmony. I felt like this dream meant that God was giving us the gift of harmony in our relationship because God is gracious. That God would lead us into a season of being in pure harmony with one another. WOW. After a year of turmoil, stress, and anxiety I was so hopeful for this gift from God but wary as it seemed too good to be true. It literally seemed impossible for it has been such a roller coaster for us. I also looked up what White roses meant because Patrick sent me white roses to my house the day before my silent retreat and I was nervous that white roses symbolized death. They actually mean purity, love, innocence, spirituality, and are the symbol of true love and marriage.

I then felt called to read Ephesians, create a Rule of Life through the Spiritual discipline book, and focus on detachment. I spent hours answering questions about my life and what I value. Journaling and discovering truths of what I need to prosper and abide in Jesus. My Rhythm of life is: Take time away in solitude and Silence to re-align your spirit. Do no thing, be still with God. Whether I do this in a big way, like a retreat, or take mini-vacations in a day with a fifteen minute nap, or an hour of prayer and journaling, this is a practice I need to collect myself under the shadow of God's wing. I lift up the questions to God "Am i becoming more like Jesus? Am I forced to rely on God with the decisions I am making in my life? Is my life producing good fruit?What does God seem to be saying about these choices?If I had no fear, and was fully abiding in Christ what would I choose? I desire adventure, creativity, and deep rest."

I then go on another walk and I see a duck in a pond. By pond I mean a mucky gross excuse for water in a dried up bed of dirt. I thought Oh no poor little ducky get out of there that's gross. I felt the Spirit say, "watch". I sat down on a stump and watched this duck. I thought, "Why are you choosing to be in this gross dead excuse of a pond. I felt like this duck symbolized me, I thought ugh God is this my relationship with Patrick? To which God said, no this is your mind right now. All alone, choosing to be in the mud. I felt in my heart, gosh I want to encourage this duck to get out, how do I encourage this duck to get out and walk towards the green? I start walking towards it and throwing little branches. It gets scared and starts to move. I felt the Spirit say, yes I was also giving you little nudges to get out, but you also responded in fear. Then I got closer and the duck would stand on little dirt piles and then fall in the mud. Get a little closer, and then fall. It was heart breaking. I thought "God how is this little duck going to get out? It's going to take her forever?" In that moment the duck flew to the top of a cave. And I was filled with life as I remembered, oh yeah! Ducks can fly! And the Spirit said yes, "I've created you to fly, to live in freedom in higher ways. I will lift you up. You were created to soar."

I went back to my room and began to pack. It was only 6:30pm but I felt I was ready to go. Before I left God asked me to sit with him for a moment. As I sat I felt the Spirit's gentle voice say, "I am so proud of you for how you've done your ministry these past three years. You've done a really good job with what you had to work with. I know your heart. You can go to Vegas, it's okay. You can marry Patrick, if you want to do it in Vegas or later there is freedom for other. But it is good and it will be sweet. If you want to take this new job, that's good too. You can do that and have freedom to do that. You can move if you want to out of your house, you want to, but you don't have to do it this very second, it's okay." The sweet clear voice of the Spirit in the last moment answered all my prayer requests and directed me with his mercy and kindness.

All the answers I was looking for came to fruition the moment I slowed down and simply took time to be with God. All the stress and anxiety I've been feeling all year was met with love and peace and joy. God is truly a savior. I was filled with freedom and hope in ways that I haven't felt in so long. Nothing I did could save me or bring me clarity. The more I tried to search for answers in my own strength and through others the deeper I sunk. But the moment I sought His face alone, His peace and love came rushing in. Surely His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.