Solitude and Silence Day 1...

So I wake up Thursday morning, May 25th, to go on a silent retreat at The Holy Spirit retreat center in Encino. My Grad program requires me to take a 2 day solitude and silence retreat every semester and then eventually we are asked to take a 3-week solitude and silent retreat before we graduate. YIKES! So this was only my second time doing one of these. The first time I did this sort of retreat I brought so much stuff to do as well as went hiking a lot that kept me so busy that it didn't feel like much of a retreat, but a creative challenge on how to not get bored. This time I simplified and took my Bible, a journal, some stationary to write a few letters, and a book on Spiritual Disciplines.

I told myself that I would wake up at 7am and get to the retreat center by 8am, but I actually got so nervous about going that I slept in till 9am and really didn't want to go. I was so excited about going to Vegas plus I was nervous about all the topics I was bringing to prayer. I really needed this time to get away and be silent because of the many decisions ahead of me: Is it okay for me to go to Vegas or am I being irresponsible? Do I want to stay in my same job or transition into something else? Do I get married to Patrick? If so, when? Do we want to live in my house or move somewhere else? Do I stay in school? If so, how many classes should I take? There were some MAJOR decisions on my plate that only God and I could really talk about. When it comes to the future, no one REALLY knows the best decision for you other than God. People can give wisdom and their ideas, but ultimately only God knows the most freeing and life-giving circumstance for our lives. This is why prayer is so important, to be able to hear and understand God's wisdom and guidance for our lives, so we aren't living out of fear.

So I drive to Encino around 9:30am and listen to an awesome message from Gospel House on Soundcloud about healing that just get's me so fired up! It'd been a long time since I'd listened to a message just for fun since being in school. I arrive at what looks like a convent where many nuns are also taking a silent retreat. I'm shown to my little bedroom and given a key, and the silent retreat begins.

There's a reading chair in my room that beckons me to come sit. I curl up in a ball and am filled with Holy Rest. My whole body gets so heavy with God's presence and I begin to "be" in that chair. I maybe sat there for about an hour, just soaking in God's presence and the silence. The beauty of not having to be anywhere else in the world other than that chair. Then I get this image of Jesus sitting on the edge of the bed asking me to lie my head upon his lap, telling me his yoke is easy and his burden is light. So I sit at the edge of the bed and lay down. Eventually I fall asleep in my bed, just so heavy. About an hour later, I grab my backpack and head into the library to grab some tea. The moment I sat down to write I found myself writing the song lyrics, "there's gonna be a wedding, it's the reason that I"m living, to marry the lamb". So I go into the Chapel to play piano and worship.

As I enter the beautiful Chapel and sit at the White Piano I sing to the Lord for hours. I pour out my heart about marriage. I share my fears and my confusion. "God I understand that we are the bride of Christ, so how can I be married both to Christ and to Patrick"? Biblically The Church (the people of God) are called the Bride of Christ. I began to entertain the idea that maybe I was called to a life of celibacy, to never get married at all and simply focus on ministry. My mind can be full of many things to further the kingdom of God and a life of creativity when I am single. I felt like Jesus was literally asking me to marry him. I felt bad about that. I didn't want to deny God but didn't want to solely be with Jesus. Though I felt so much lighter in God's presence. I also felt that I was supposed to read all of Matthew in the Bible. This is all happening through song, through prayer, and moments of silence sitting before a large wooden cross in the Chapel.

I go back to the Library and begin to journal for hours. I begin to ponder these questions as a filter to making my future decisions: What will grow me to be more like Christ? How did Christ live his life? What was Christ living for? And then I focussed on slowing down. Slowing down my mind, my body and my spirit. I begin to think about acceptance and what a life free from fear is like. Was that how I was living? Was I truly giving up control and choosing to trust God, or was I trying to handle my life by my own strength and the opinion of others? No answers just yet, just questions. I was ready to go for a walk.

I grabbed my Bible and then just began to walk around through the trees of the property. Eventually I sat under these huge trees on a picnic table and began to thank God for Patrick. I started at how we first met and all the beautiful moments we experienced together. I just let my mind wander, remember, and imagine. Again, I practiced how to just "be". Eventually, I changed locations and read the first half of Matthew. Then I went and laid in the grass to soak in the sun. As I was resting there for about another hour, the dancers on Patrick's head flooded my mind and God began to speak to me about them. So I got up and began to write a letter to each of the dancers and what I felt God was saying about them. I also wrote a letter to Paula. After this I spent some more time worshipping in The Chapel for another hour or so and writing some new songs. As I went through the day my focus was on God and slowing down. I knew the Lord was aware of all my questions, but I wasn't seeking answers at this time, just His Face. HIs peace and love. I was simply enjoying getting to just "be" with God, by myself.

The end of the night I read a few chapters of this book Patrick and I are going through to strengthen how we communicate and resolve conflict called "How We Love" by Yerkovich. Then went to bed. However, about an hour later I was woken up by this loud tapping. It filled me with so much fear. I could tell it was spiritual attack because of all the beauty and freedom I had felt all day. I looked to see a june bug somehow got into my COMPLETELY sealed room and was banging into the wall. It was so odd because there was truly not point of entry for it. As I walked toward it to show it outside it landed on the wall. The moment I gentle touched it with an index card it fell down dead. weird. As I tried to go back to bed, my head was filled with all these lustful thoughts that were SO not me. I was like "ugh God, what the heck?" As I fell asleep, I had terrible nightmares and woke up every hour. I probably had a total of 3 hours sleep that night, terrified all night long. It was bad. I had asked Patrick to keep his phone on and next to his pillow in case this happened so I could call him. But when I called him he didn't answer. I felt disappointed and alone, but was also filled with compassion knowing he was probably SO TIRED from work. So I put on some worship music and went to bed.