Sin Boldly

So things had been going great. We were in this new found ocean of peace and healthy communication. I was able to concentrate on work and school as well as have some more alone time. Plus there seemed to be this natural flow in life. Divine conversations that popped up out of nowhere, odd coincidences that could have only been arranged by God. It was so much in the flow that at one point I needed to drop off a piece of mail in my car and though, gosh where is a mailbox around here? In that moment a mail man pulled up by my car and we were able to just pass him the package to go out and mail! There was such Godly synchronicity.

Patrick and I were on the phone one night and somehow Blue Man Group was brought up. We both realized we hadn't seen it and he invited me to come to Vegas over the weekend to come see it! I thought gosh that sounds so fun I am so down! The next morning I woke up and had this terrible feeling of "no you're not supposed to go to Vegas". I thought what the heck? I then remembered that I had scheduled my silent retreat, I was working at Bay Club, I was going to go to Funky Soul with some friends, and I was leading Worship at Church Sunday evening. I had this pit in my stomach that I just shouldn't go. I thought, is this just a feeling telling me I have other stuff planned as a reminder or something bigger? I was able to move around and re-schedule everything I had planned but that lack of peace was still present. What the heck is this?

I went over to my moms later that evening to buy a ticket. When I went online I saw there were only 3 tickets left for $100 that took off before 4pm. After that the tickets went all the way up to $400 and all left super late in the evening because it was memorial day weekend. I wasn't about to drop anymore than $100 on a vegas flight so in a panic I bought a ticket. Man the lack of peace exploded.

The next day all that beautiful Godly synchronicity vanished. I kept being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Or I would forget something, or break something just all this weird stuff was happening. Was I being superstitious? Or was God trying to tell me not to go? I really couldn't tell. See I really wanted to go, but also wanted to be obedient to God, but wasn't 100% confident that it was God. I asked my dad for advice. He shared, "Well if it's the same feeling for marriage, transitioning out of your job, and going to vegas... the easiest decision is vegas so you could just not go and see how that lands and then you'll have your answers for these other choices. But if it were me I would probably go. If it wasn't God I know he will put me back in my place and if it is God then I'm where I was supposed to be".

This is why this post is called sin boldly. Not because I am advocating in any sense at all that we should actively sin. No. I'm talking about choices that you are making that aren't necessarily right or wrong but rather one might be good and one might be better and God is trying to speak to you about one choice specifically. Anything apart from God is sin. Sin=without God. So if God is saying "do this" and your response is " no!" that is making a choice with out God (sinfully). See, I love God and I truly want to follow the path he has me on, but I can't always hear perfectly which way he wants me to go. And, a lot of the times I get it wrong, and yet a lot of the times I get it right too. I'm still growing in the stature of Christ and hearing God's voice and guidance.

I often question when is something fear or spiritual attack, or the holy spirit's guidance? Sometimes it's so hard to tell. My desire is to walk by the spirit, to walk in what God has for me, to not be controlled by fear or darkness. So with Vegas I can't tell if the lack of peace about going is about God telling me not to go or something else. I don't know. If this "no don't go" is coming from God but I choose to go anyway, that's choosing something against God, choosing sinfully. But if this "no, don't go" is rooted in something else then it is not sinful but simply human emotion or spiritual attack that might even be keeping me from blessings God has for me. SEE MY STRUGGLE?!?! So what is this sin boldly thing? IT is to make a choice with boldness and then trust God. I am choosing to go to vegas with boldness!! If it's the wrong choice, well I welcome God's correction and I will be grateful in knowing his voice a little clearer. And if it was totally cool with God and not a big deal then I will rejoice at the blessings! I will walk it out boldly and see what happens... But untill then I have a 2-day silent retreat to get to and that will be my focus.

*Now this didn't make me feel peaceful, my hesitation remained. But at least I made a choice. Either all would be fine, or I would learn why I should have listened to that feeling. This feeling of panic over various choices to the degree I've been feeling it has been super new for me. I don't know what that's about? Other than Marriage. Jobs. and MOVING. are all huge stressors and they're all hitting me at the same time. But I do know that no matter what happens, I am not bigger than God. I can't mess up his plan so much that there is no hope, because my hope is found in Jesus, and he can't die!