13 Days of Hell (12-13)

SUNDAY (May 7th 2017)

I wake up Sunday morning at my brothers house. Patrick and I were planning to go to 6 flags as a last HOORAH before he left. We ended up sitting on the couch and he asked me, "So why aren't you all in? What's keeping you from being all in"? All I could say is the main thing is that I don't feel peaceful about it. What I didn't have language for at the time was how often the little things in our relationship didn't happen. The I'll call you at this time or see you at this time, or I'll get to this etc. just didn't get followed through with consistently. This was making it hard for me to trust in our relationship and feel like I was going to be in a situation where I could trust the kinds of things being promised to me. This would continue to be a conversation between us. How important the follow through is in the tiniest things because it creates deep trust for the big things.

We went on a little walk and randomly I was filled with a lot of peace. I felt peaceful to just be in silence, or to talk. I somehow was just content with him.

We ended up not going to 6 flags (which was hard for me because it felt like another thing of...oh yeah we aren't actually going to do this fun thing we planned to do) but instead went with my two brothers to see a musical rendition of Game of Thrones. I've never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones but it was def. a silly show to see. Plus all the actors were too talented for how small this show was.

On our way to church we were so happy? I don't even know how. But by the time we walked into worship we were literally dancing! We just started dancing and jumping for joy. At the end of worship our Pastor called us both out and began to prophesy over us. He started sharing that he thinks God is doing something bigger in me than our marriage, that all of this has to do with a new area of ministry I was walking into, which was the same thing my mom had said the day before! Right as he said that I fell on the floor and couldn't stop laughing. I was filled with so much of The Lords joy. My other friend grabbed the mic and said Jillene I feel like God is healing deep rooted anxiety in you as well and breaking off fear. He had no idea that I was dealing with such crazy anxiety the week prior. I felt like God was truly taking the reign in all this confusion and rescuing me. After church, when we all went out to eat, Patrick came a little later and right when he sat down, the anxiety started coming back and I told it "no!" this spirit is dead! I think sometimes feelings try to manage us instead of us managing them and we need to practice telling those feelings QUIT IT.

We got back to my older brothers house around 10pm and I was ready for bed. Patrick asked if I would stay awake till he was done packing. I was so tired and had to be at school the whole next day, and said I would drive him to the airport in the am, but I said yes. When he was finally done packing an hour and a half later, he was too tired to hang out and couldn't stay awake. We started kissing and then he said hey, I feel like this could lead into some place we don't want to go (great leadership) but I wasn't feeling that way at all. I think that's what's so hard about walking in purity. Sometimes one person feels so chill while the other is super HELLO and vice versa. I knew in my heart he stopped kissing me to protect us, it was not about NOT wanting to hang out with me, plus he was just tired. But my feelings were so hurt. I felt like, okay I wanted to go to bed two hours ago but I stayed up for you and now you're too tired, and telling me not to kiss you anymore when all you're going to do is sleep on a plane tomorrow when I have to drive you and then be awake at school all day and be present for finals. I just felt like he wasn't thinking of me at all, which was not true. Again, I rationally knew he was tired and protecting our intimacy and that does not mean "i don't love you or want to hang out with you", my feelings just got hurt and I was already so tired.

I went into the living room to go to bed and just started crying. I couldn't explain why I was mad because I was hurt and processing that he was leaving the next day, and I just wanted him to ask me, "why are you crying"? But he never did which hurt my feelings even more. He sat next to me as I fell asleep on the couch crying. I knew he obviously cared about me or he wouldn't have been sitting next to me for an hour after he already was struggling to stay awake. That's whats so hard in relationships. Two people love each other, they don't want to hurt each other, but then they do, and then we love so imperfectly that then we don't know how to make it better AND sometimes we are just tired or hungry or cranky. Relationships require so much grace and mercy for the other. Man, growing in love his challenging.

MONDAY (May 8 2017)

I wake up in the morning still hurt and mad. I remember that Patrick had suggested that we might have such a hard time with conflict resolution because I struggle with forgiving. Remembering this I try to work out in my own heart forgiving him and letting it go and it was SO HARD FOR ME..guess he was a bit right. I was so mad and din't feel like he was sorry at all. But Jesus calls us to forgive regardless of whether the person is sorry or not, and that is super hard.

As we drive to the airport, I share that I'm sorry that I was so sensitive the night before. He says that he's sorry that he wasn't more gentle with his words. Then I choose to change the subject to let it go and focus on something else and to practice "letting it go", which is VERY hard for me. We end up just laughing about whatever and the conversation begins to quickly turn.

We get to the terminal and hug goodbye. As I drive away a few tears fall down my cheeks and I thought gosh, I'm sad that he's leaving. I didn't think I would be, I thought I would feel "relieved" or "free" because of all the turmoil but I actually felt sad that he was going. This really surprised me and I think, has this really been what I've been so worried about? Him leaving? Trusting his word and him leaving? This slight clarity relaxed me. Prior to this moment, every time he's left for a job I get instantly anxious and obsessive about him, but I was filled with peace and joy. Not peace and joy because he was gone, but peace and joy even though he was gone. The DATE NIGHT ministry we do had prayed for me for this feeling of joy and peace when he left months ago and it was being answered?

CONTINUED...

For the next 2 weeks, every time we spoke on the phone in the morning and the evening it was awesome! We started going through a book together "How We Love" to grow in communication and conflict resolution as well ad did a devotional of Jesus Calling and prayed together everyday. We spoke for hours and were laughing like crazy. There was so much joy and so much love and a whole lot of the Holy Spirit. But when I wasn't with him I also felt so present to do the other things in my life that needed my attention.

The other prayer request that was on my heart was conflict resolution. Get this, we even had a disagreement and reconciled it in the same conversation! Another prayer request answered! Another time I was praying that God would prove we could do ministry together and THAT prayer get's answered as well in Vegas and in youth ministry. The anxiety that I was feeling had gone and we were somehow growing in conflict resolution! It was crazy that the morning after my friend at church had prayed that the anxiety would leave, it did! We all thought that when Patrick left for tour that I would have even more anxiety but the opposite was true. I felt more in love with him, more peaceful, and like "myself" again. I think we both needed some time to be alone as well as enjoy each other again over simple conversation without all the stress of planning a wedding and getting married. I think we both had areas of our own hearts God needed to touch and speak to and we needed some space to heal and get grounded. I had never believed in the notion "distance makes the heart grow fonder" because every time he left I would shut down and put up emotional walls around my heart. This was the first time in a year that him leaving actually made me desire him more.

No matter what happens we somehow keep staying together and working through the "STUFF". Isn't that what marriage is about? Choosing one another every day whether it's easy or hard, whether we feel in love or not, regardless of circumstances? Marriage is about being humble, teachable, choosing God's desires before our own, and loving the other over the self. Teamwork. Somehow we keep learning to do this despite our imperfections and miscommunication...maybe there will be a wedding after all?