13 Days of Hell (days 5-8)

SUNDAY (April 30th 2017:

I wake up in the morning filled with anxiety at 6:30am. I go into my brothers room after crying and praying for God to tell me what to do. I share with Tyler my heart. I say if something doesn't change I think I'm going to need him to take me to the hospital. He says simply, "what if you postpone the wedding?" Peace filled my heart. All this time I had been told by many people, if I postpone the wedding I probably wouldn't get married because I'd just get "over it", and I believed that lie. But this sounded right. I had asked God to use Tyler to answer my heart's desires, and God did. I asked Patrick to come over.

We sat on the couch and I cut right to the chase. "I would like to postpone the wedding. Is that okay". He smiles and says, "sweetie of course that's okay. I don't care if we get married now or in five years, I don't want you to feel rushed." I start crying and fall into his arms. I'm immediately filled with peace and love for him. All the fear I had towards him, the desire to run and hide subsided. For the first time since we got engaged I felt the desire to draw near to him. I felt a glimpse of love for him. Surprised by this freedom, though still shaky, we went to breakfast and enjoyed the morning of actually feeling peace together.

It's only 11am and so we head to my church so I can teach Confirmation. I had been having the panic attacks so often that I didn't think I would be able to come but, since I was finally feeling level headed-- I went. My friend Gracie had texted me that day saying, "Hey I feel like God told me you were postponing the wedding" confirmation #1. My mentor had texted me that day saying, "I think you should post-pone", confirmation #2, and that night at church my pastor had a vision of me sprinting and God said "stop, keep facing the same direction but take two steps back and lock eyes with God", confirmation #3. I felt I was about to be in God's timing again, the timing I had been longing for.

We went to church that night and some guest leaders were there. I led worship with my brothers and Patrick but the anxiety started coming back. Oh no! I thought this was the answer! What's happening. We ask a man to pray for us about whether or not we should get married, he gets this word about us being called to children (not knowing I was a youth Pastor), he said we were on his heart when we first walked in and he thought we were married because he saw us so united in the spirit. He said that I needed to walk down the aisle, even if I felt like I would faint, full of faith that God is uniting us. It was a crazy encouraging word, but the anxiety was still slightly there.

MONDAY (May 1 2017) I go to school and God shares with me that I haven't kept my personal boundaries well of what I needed. I hadn't been voting in our relationship when I needed time to be alone, time to be with God, time to be creative, or time with friends. Then I would resent Patrick for my lack of boundaries. I felt intruded upon and it was triggering the intrusion I often felt growing up. He and I had a healing conversation about it that night. I slept in his bed at my brothers house while he slept on the couch. A little more progress had been made.

TUESDAY (May 2 2017) I woke up fully panicked and anxious. Patrick recommends we watch some comedy. It doesn't go away. My older brother comes down stairs and recommends I take a Xanax. He tells me that I would still be able to function and it would take the edge off. I take the Xanax. But my mind starts thinking, "Oh no, you're in a relationship that you have to medicate yourself in to feel peace. This is going to be the rest of your life. You're going to be a house wife addicted to Xanex and Wine while he's a famous dancer/actor/choreographer in Hollywood." My mind then starts going 1,000 miles an hour and as we are all walking into the kitchen I fall to the floor and have the most severe panic attack yet. I started sobbing, my temperature flys up, my body is shaking. This is the first time Patrick actually sees me have an attack. My brother holds me and rocks me and asks Patrick to get a cold towel. I was so scared and out of control, my fear and my physical body was running every function. I was totally out of touch with self-control and peace. They lead me to the couch and the Xanax puts me out. Patrick lies there with me as long as he can watching the Food Network until he has to go to work. I was barley concious, so drugged out. My body is VERY sensitive to medicine.

My brother J. tyler tag teams in. He kisses me on my forehead and says "hi beautiful" it warmed my heart but my face couldn't produce a smile, I was a vegetable. He sat next to me and I passed out again. Full of fear, yet numb. My family emails and calls therapists in the area for me to try and see.

WEDNESDAY (May 3 2017) I can barley function but I make it work. I clearly look depressed and shaken up. I can't hide the turmoil I'm going through. Patrick picks me up form work to go to coffee before I have an appt. with a therapist. As we talk, I say how bored and overwhelmed I am. I wrongly put all the blame on Patrick for feeling bored. Bored in our conversation, bored in how we spend our time, not intellectually stimulated. I share that I don't know his life, I don't know his work, He knows everything about me and my life but I have no part in his. I never get to see him shine, I feel like I don't even know him or what I'm marrying. It's not uplifting. He listens, but also says that I need to take responsibility for our lives too, that ths isn't all his fault. he also says he'll ask if I can come to his last Paula rehearsal on Saturday.

I felt so left out of his life because every artist I've ever dated always is so proud of me. They take me to their shows, rehearsals, openings etc... I felt like Patrick was embarrassed of me or didn't think I would be able to handle myself in his work situations. Plus, I was use to my younger brother taking me to every rehearsal, every show and constantly feeling treasured. With Patrick I felt like a secret, I felt unloved and unseen. I thought, "Are you just so intimidated by your bosses that you can't even take me? You care that much about impressing Hollywood?" I was mad that he might be intimidated. Things were not good. I drove to my therapist appt. an hour early and fell asleep in my car. Depression and anxiety is exhausting. All I could do every day was sleep.

Then I met Rocky. Rocky tells me, "it's not helpful for you to say 'I'm bored' Instead thinking, 'Okay I'm bored. What would i like to talk about, or do then suggest that.' If he continually doesn't want to participate in conversation, sure that's a bad sign. Or if he never wants to do what you want to do, again thats a bad sign. But it's not his responsibility to make your life interesting". Whoa. I had put all the pressure on him to lead conversation, plan fun things, create fun dates, etc. I had given up all responsibility in our relationship as if I was auditioning him and thinking " okay are you good enough for me?" terrible. SO bad. I had grown lazy, I was fearful, and I was so focused on whether or not he was going to be a good husband that I stopped trying to be a good girlfriend, or good fiancé. I was not choosing to love him. I was simply watching how he loved me. Like the only way we could work was if he was perfect. I was being critical and judgemental of myself and him instead of walking in acceptance. This revelation brought me even more peace.