13 Days of Hell (4) Wedding Dresses

SATURDAY (April 29th): I woke up in the morning with a full blown panic attack. I had never had one before. I thought I was having a heart attack or that I was going to die. I couldn't breathe, I could barley walk, the room was spinning an dry heart was racing. I was so scared. I called my mom and said I need you to take me to the hospital. Now, I had my first panic attacked in November when Patrick left for 3 weeks to China. I took a homeopathic tincture a doctor gave to me, and the panic attack ceased within an hour and I was totally normal. I was taking that tincture every month but it cause me sever acne. So I stopped taking it for the first time this month to try and heal my acne before our wedding day. It seems that not my body was really freaking out from not having this medicine on top of real ideas I was worried about. So I shuffled my feet into the kitchen and took the tincture again as well as St. John Warts (a natural remedy to balance moods).

At this time Patrick texted me to see how preaching went the night before. He was in rehearsal all day so he didn't know that I had passed out from a panic attack. Plus he seemed to be in some pretty strong denial about where I was at and what I was going through. I texted him back saying "Patrick, I didn't preach last night, I'm doing very badly. I'm going to the doctor. right now I don't think you understand what's happening to me."

We start driving around looking for an urgent care to take me to on a Saturday morning with my crappy insurance. When we get to the first doctor, I walked in with my mom. The offices are closed and Patrick is sitting on the steps waiting for me. He holds me and I feel so confused. I feel afraid of him. It's like I developed PTSD over all the fights that we've been in my body was so scared thinking I was going to have to live in this torment of fighting for the rest of my life.

I don't speak. It's like my body forgot how to talk. Walking is hard. Breathing is hard. Being awake is hard. My mom goes with Patrick and I go back in my dad's car to another doctor. When we get there, my mom is trying to figure out what they need to give me. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out because I'm also supposed to meet one of my students who I love so much for breakfast because her dad passed away and I want so badly to be there for her, but I'm literally falling apart. I somehow end up lying on the parking lot floor cause I just want to sleep, I'm so overwhelmed. I knew Patrick had to leave for work soon. So I couldn't really rely on him for help. I think that's one of the hardest thing about these episodes at this time. I was experiencing a mental breakdown for the first time, and the man who I might be marrying can't be there for me and leaves for 9-10 hours of the day to go dance and can't help me. Def. doesn't make me feel safe. Though I must say I'm grateful for such an incredible family who all dropped everything to help me.

To make matters even more heightened, I'm supposed to be going with the whole family and friends to go wedding dress shopping. People had called off tennis matches, and plans to do this with me so I felt that I had to go. I will myself to go to breakfast with my student. It ends up being really easy because we both are in really low places so thee's not much need for entertainment, just companionship. Then my mom drives me home, and I get dressed to go try on dresses. I didn't think they would fit too well as I hadn't eaten in days due to all the stress. I think the last meal I had was on Wednesday.

WEDDING DRESSES

We begin doing the whole wedding dress thing. First we go to this designer boutique and it's really fun! I let everyone pick out dresses for me and I try on crazy ones! They were so fun and different! My favorite was this dress my older brother picked out that was SO CRAZY! but it was so fun to wear! It was super puffy and gaudy and look like it was made of feathers and rhinestones but it made me laugh and smile. And it was fun to be in!

Then we went to Anthropologies BHLDN and tried on INCREDIBLE DRESSES. Each one fit like a glove and were amazing. We picked bridesmaids dresses and they were all so beautiful. I think I did a pretty good job acting happy. But whenever people asked which one I liked most it was hard to answer. How could I envision myself in a dress when I can't even envision myself with this person? I can't answer what dress I want Patrick to see me in when I don't know that I even want to marry him.

Afterward, half the crew leaves, my sister-in-love, my mom, bridesmaid Mary and I go to Tiffany's to return the wedding ring I bought Patrick.

My sister says, let's go back to the store one more time and see your two favorite. I reluctantly go back. But this time we go in a back room that's for bridesmaid fittings and we just try on the dresses with this wedding dress helper in training. It was so fun! Lissa was being so sweet and helpful trying to help me envision each one. Eventually this woman says, Hey I have a dress I don't think you've tried on. I put it on and I instantly cry because it is THE dress! I was so overwhelmed because it was nothing like the kind of dress I would imagine myself in at all. And that freaked me out. I'm not with the kind of man I thought I'd marry, I am in love with a dress that is the exact opposite of the kind of dress I thought I would get married in, and I feel so sad and crazy and scared instead of excited, joyful, hopeful and in love. This is wrong right? This is not normal? This is not how a girl is supposed to feel when she's in love and getting married.

Anyway. I love the dress. My mom doesn't seem to really like it. Everyone unanimously likes this other dress, that was def. the most beautiful and most flattering dress. But it wasn't very comfortable. We drive home, and my sister and mom come into the house for a moment. My sister just hugs me and we both cry. We both know this isn't right. None of this feels right. Something is very wrong and I feel very scarred and sad and full of despair.

All I can think is God, why have you forsaken me? Where are you? If I'm not supposed to marry him can you please just tell me? Why does everyone keep saying we are good together? Again, I cry myself asleep.

**I had become so desperate for answers that I stopped thinking for myself. I was looking for answers from doctors. For them to tell me I had some disorder a pill would fix. I was looking for answers from Patrick that he would supernaturally hear we were supposed to or not supposed to be together. I was looking for my family to bring me relief that this was right or wrong. But the more opinions and information I got, the more confused I became. I wasn't choosing stillness. I wasn't choosing to be alone or to be quiet with the Lord. I just kept thinking, maybe I'll just wake up and all of a sudden feel differently? I was ignoring what I needed. I needed the living water of God. I needed his presence, not answers. I just needed his love. I became a worshipper of my problem instead of a worshipper of Jesus. My eyes were focussed on my pain, instead of the King. But the LORD is the Good Shepherd, and he always goes after his lost sheep and I was definitely lost.