Dear Diary, Am I in Love?

God often uses what we are afraid of to grow us into stronger vessels of love. As long as there are areas in our lives that cause us fear, there are stumbling blocks that keep us from living the vivacious life God has for us. Fear can grip us, pull us down, suffocate us and make us immovable. Or fear can be an opportunity to lean on God for His strength and guidance. God didn't create us with fear in mind, but for power, love, and a clear mind set on things above. However, when we are afraid aspects of our character are revealed that would otherwise remain hidden in times of victory. Our fragility, vulnerability, and weaknesses are often revealed as we come against giants in our life. But if God looked at sin, the biggest thing keeping us separate from him and conquered that, then what is too big for him to rescue us from?Up until this post I've only been writing blog posts in retrospect. Every post you've read has had about 2-3 weeks of digesting before it was typed to see the full picture of what was happening and to walk through full healing and full forgiveness and hopefully carry some perspective or hindsight. That is not the case with this post. I know for my next post I promised our Perfect Wednesday, but I felt it was important today to share in real time, real feelings and we can together see what God will do with them and how he will transform these feelings for his purposes. Everything I will write I've done my best ability to share with Patrick so please know I don't use these blogs to surprise him with my hidden heart. Patrick has been able to bare some of the hardest things I've ever had to process, and gives me the freedom to expose my deepest feelings and concerns. He carries the perspective that it's better to have all of these fears and concerns come into the light so they don't enter into our marriage or worse never come up at all and just wreak havoc on our souls.

I still have a lot of anxiety about us getting married. I've sent out a few save the dates and I'm still nervous about whether or not I should marry him. I'm trying on wedding dresses today and I find myself googling "how do I know if I'm really in love"? I can't remember the last time I've looked into his eyes and felt butterflies and that "In-love" feeling and excitement about getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. I see my little brother brighten with joy and smile when his phone lights up with a text from a girl he's interested in while I see a text message from Patrick and think, "I'll check it later". If you're reading this and feeling concerned, yeah I know. I feel concerned too, Patrick feels concerned. We all feel concerned. But am I supposed to make a life decision based off of how I feel? Is that why we get married because we "feel in love"? Are feelings strong enough to keep a marriage together? Is that why there are so many divorces because people rush into marriages because they feel so in love and feel so attracted to one another so they KNOW their marriage will last forever? Does the dizziness of feeling in-love and overcome with lust blind us from real fears and real feelings that are worth processing and mourning and praying through before entering a season of marriage? Should we press into our nerves or brush them to the side? Do you break-up from a feeling or lack of feeling or put your hope in something more? I don't know, I've never been married before.

This is what I do know. I know that after my last "break-up" I said, "God I don't want to be date anyone else unless it's my husband", and I met Patrick after that. I told God when I was 17 that I don't want to have a boyfriend again until he's my husband", and Patrick is the first person I've introduced as my boyfriend in 10 years. I know that I've always felt that I never had to really worry about getting married because I could always marrying one of my brother's friends and I met Patrick through my brother because the Holy Spirit told me that Jesus was after Patricks heart. I know with-in that year Patrick gave his life to the Lord. I know that when Patrick and his ex-girlfriend broke up (a girl I was told by Jordan that he was going to marry) my heart opened and I ran to one of my best friends Mary and said "OH MY GOSH!! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT! IN ONE MOMENT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED"! and then yelled "Dibbs"... (like that's how romance works?) because I all of a sudden became aware of romantic feelings I always had for my friend but never realized. I know that Patrick became vegan before he met me, that he loved dance before he met me, that when he saw my house for the first time & thought "this will be mine I'm gonna live here" before we ever became good friends. I know that when we were just friends I never stopped laughing when I was with him, I always wanted to stand next to him in worship, and I somehow spoke to him on the phone whenever he needed to process life before we were ever attracted to one another. I know that I texted him out of no where last summer to see how he was after not speaking to him in months and he shared with me he was breaking up with his girl friend and we haven't stopped talking since. I know it has all felt so rushed, and fast, but has been so dynamic, and spirit-filled and transformative.

I know people look at us and see love. I know dancers look to us and see #goals. I know my youth look to us and think role-models. I know my family looks at us and thinks finally. I know my dad approved of us getting married after one month of us dating. I know J Tyler looks at us and thinks "why do you ever complain or act like you're gonna break-up with him when all you do is talk about him and obviously love him". I know Jordan had a dream that we were going to get married in the summer and always thought we would end up together. I know JR believed in us enough to open his house up to him and take Patrick in as a house-guest for free till he goes on tour. I know after every counseling session, or mentoring session we go to I wait for someone to tell us "this is not going to work you definitely should not be together" and all I hear is, I think you guys will be just fine, just keep praying.

I've seen God give us victory over lust, pride, offense, lack-of-communication, fear, broken promises, and replace them with humility, gentleness, and compassion. I know after one month of dating him I got into my car and my eyes filled with tears as I heard "you can stop looking". I know we started seeing butterfly's every where we went once we started dating and God has continued to show that symbol in times of trouble.

But I still feel afraid. I felt that we were supposed to get married in July but that date would not work or come together. I was so sure of it that I was willing to wait another year to get married or not get married at all. Then I learned that my older brother and sister-in-love felt moved to push back their Europe trip and all of a sudden lightness fell over me and it was possible! July was possible! Then another road block of my brother Jordan not being able to afford to fly back from his Missions trip to come to the wedding to learn that he then was offered a job the week after our wedding that will pay for that flight. To be told that there would be no DJ's, Videographers, Make-up stylist, Photographers, etc... available in such short notice and yet I booked them all in one day. Why would God open doors towards a marriage so easily that he didn't want top happen? Don't you see, DON'T I SEE? How I am feeling is not inline with the doors God is opening to continue to walk this out.

I look back and remember the month Patrick and I co-taught and preached on Purity is the month that we ourselves began to struggle with lust. We are trying to pioneer and run and preach the gospel through our relationship and marriage and yet once we get engaged my mind is full of doubt. Patrick's deepest love language is affirmation and I'm filled with doubt. My deepest love language is quality time and he began his job working 9 hour days in Burbank 6 days a week. Our second greatest love language is physical touch and yet we both feel God separating us physically in even deeper ways where we barley even kiss anymore. We are in a HARD moment.

Many weeks ago, I was given the word from one of my prayer warrior friends Juliet, "Be Brave"...and I didn't know what it meant in that moment. I got the same phrase from my maid-of-honorGracie yesterday texting me "You are Brave. Stand on God's promises". I hear from a spiritual father of ours Elliot, "Satan hates marriage, but God loves it and calls it good". So who is it that is more likely giving me these feelings of doubt, anxiety, and nervousness? I'm not saying I'm gong to ignore these feelings. Obviously there is some sort of chaos is me or else I wouldn't feel this way. I'm not saying I'm going to just say to myself over and over "It's okay everything is fine", but I'm also not going to call off something God has clearly placed in my life today simply because of my feelings. Where does it say in the Bible that God tells us the answers to some of the biggest decisions we will ever make based on how we feel?

So how do we know when God is speaking to us? How do I know God is not putting this anxiety in me to break-up with him? Proverbs tells us that the difference between a wise person and a fool is that a wise person receives the council of others while a fool ignores their friends and family. Our community can see our blind spots better than we can, and when I bring this situation before my community, I continuously hear that this relationship is a good thing, this man is a good man, it truly seems God created us for one another, but there may be a lot of fear/control/pride/ etc... purging from us right now.

I went into my laundry room and sat on my dryer and prayed and cried and prayed some more, asking for Gods help and direction. I've always measured my life by what brings me peace for I worship the Prince of Peace. But than the cross came to mind. Was the week before the resurrection peaceful for Jesus? As one of Jesus' best friend turned him in for money, as his close friends fall asleep in prayer, as he was whipped and beaten, forced to carry a cross, bombarded by his "followers" turning on him and doubting and denying him, as he asked his father to "remove the cup from him if possible", etc... were these moments full of peace and joy? These things don't sound peaceful in that moment, but they were good. I know I'm not Jesus but I wonder if our wedding is like a resurrection? A moment where we will both die and become a new creation together, one flesh bound together by the Lord. Is this what dying feels like? I literally feel like I'm dying, like the person Jillene is dying, the girl I've known and loved my whole life is dying and suffocating. This causes me to remember that until a seed truly dies, breaks open and falls away into the dirt, the inner makings of a beautiful oak tree can never begin to sprout. The potential of a huge oak tree lives inside a single seed, but if that seed never cracks away, receives water and light it will just stay a seed. What if I am to crack open and fall away for some "oak tree' to burst forth from me? An oak of righteousness? What if by letting go in a deeper way, and fully dying to myself the Spirit will birth in me a resurrected new certain filled with more humility and more love?

If The Word of God is true, and sewing tears will reap joy, then I will have a very joyful marriage. So regardless of how I feel, the sadness, the pain, the tears, I will stand on God's promises. I will go wedding dress shopping today and trust that God still has something good in mind. That he is a God that isn't trying to harm me but transform me into the most loving creation I could possibly become. I will trust God is doing a new thing, that he will rescue me and lead me towards His Kingdom.

And so I join with Jesus and say,

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.