Engagement Photos

I press snooz on my alarm clock at 7am and then SNAP awake remembering I have a hair appointment at 8am in El Segundo at Dry Bar! It was THE DAY!! Listen, I LOVE make-over type situations, before and afters, remodels, etc. You know those HGTV shows where there's home-makeovers, or on Style there used to be a show called "How do I Look"? And they would get a wardrobe makeover? Yeah those shows are my HEART SONG! Something about adding beauty in the world and creating a space for people to feel their best selves and feel confident and alive is magical to me!

So it was my time for a makeover. I was so excited to get my hair and makeup done to feel super beautiful because frankly, I'm not very good at doing my own hair and makeup. Everything beauty wise I do kind of feels mediocre and basic... like other women REALLY know how to take care of themselves and I'm over here doing my best to not look like a 16 year old boy.

I grabbed a couple dress options not knowing how many I would wear, and then got into my car and raced over to El Segundo. I got there 5 till 8a but the whole place was dark and closed. I thought oh no, did I book the wrong date? I looked in my email and saw that I was sent an email with a button to confirm my appointment. I panicked. Oh no I needed to confirm the appointment after booking it? What the heck am I going to do? I don't have enough time before 9am to drive back home and do my own hair? Is everything ruined?!?!

Just as my panic began to increase, the light turned on in the spa, a gentlemen opened the door and said,"Are you Jillene"? relieved as all get out I sighed and said "yes I am". My Stylist still wasn't ready so I went next door to Starbucks to get my usual: A Grande Green Tea Latte with soy milk and a shot of espresso (it's incredible you should try it!) I walked back into Dry Bar as my stylist called my name. Perfect timing.

She took me back and washed my hair, we made light conversation, and then she sat me down and asked what I'd like. I told her I was getting engagement photos done so something polished with light curls. She said "great"! I sat in the chair enjoying my latte and flipping through Shape magazine. I received so many compliments on my dress so I was feeling pretty sass-frassy! Relaxed. Peaceful. I was facing away from the mirror and could only see what my eyes could catch but each curl that feel out of the corner of my eye looked perfect. I was getting so excited to see what she was had accomplished!

It was 8:45am when she said "You're all done"! I thought perfect! I can get to my makeup appointment by 9am no problem! She spun me around and to my HORROR I looked like I had stuck my finger in an electric outlet! It was the worst thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't hide my facial expression. I was mortified. It was flat on my head then frizzy with fly away hairs everywhere and then so puffy at the bottom it looked like I was a triangle head. She said "you look amazing"! I thought, on what planet? I look like a BEFORE picture. Not an after! But I couldn't stay, I had to get to my makeup appt and meet our photographer in Palos Verdes by 10:15am. I was on a TIGHT schedule and looked like a FREAK.

So I crawled into my car, head hung low, called my sister-in-love asking if I should cancel the pictures? She recommended since my makeup was being done at a hair salon to ask if I could borrow their straightener and just straighten the whole thing. I thought duh. Fabulous idea. I get to Salon 6 Degrees and met the makeup artist. Her makeup looked so beautiful so I knew I could trust her with mine. And bonus, she also was a hairstylist and said she would fix and re-curl my hair. WOW. Thank you Wonder Woman!

Wonder Woman does my make-up, puts on fake lashes, fixes my hair, and also finishes in perfect timing for me to go pick up Patrick. I hug her and thank her then run out of the salon. As I pull down my mirror I realize just how much makeup I was wearing. I had asked for some good cover up because my acne was at an all time HELLO that morning, but even my eyes were so heavy that I thought, oh NO I look like a drag queen and NOT in a good way. What the heck. What the monkey is this day becoming?!

I put on sunglasses and picked up Patrick. I was so embarrassed by the pounds of make-up on my face and began apologizing perfuseley for what was hidden beneath my shades. Of course he reassured me that he was sure I looked beautiful. But I thought, no no no, he don't know the horror. He don't know what I BEEN through. He don't know my nasty morning'. NO!

The glasses stayed on, and we drove to meet our photographer. She was so chipper and happy and led us to our destination which was a little hiking trail covered in wild flowers. I had to lay down my pride, and take off the sun glasses. I wanted to run and hide my face from Patrick. My photographer assured me that everyone feels this way but a good make-up artist will put on the right amount of makeup that will match the style of the pictures and that I wouldn't feel like the makeup was too much after I saw the photos and that this was totally normal. So I relaxed and trusted I wouldn't look like a broadway star after opening night in all my photos.

She placed us in the meadow to take some lighting shots. I was so nervous. Patrick is used to being in front of people, cameras, etc... I am not. Yes maybe in high school I loved that sort of attention but somewhere between 2007 and today that part of my DNA fell off and I get very intimidated by a stage/camera/crowd. I was like how the heck am I suppose to look natural and in love when there is a camera in my face here. Not a models face, my face. Oh no, how the heck do I do this?

But sweet Patrick begins to whisper and talk to me and make me laugh and relax and holds me and hugs me and kisses me and begins to calm my anxious heart. My heartbeat becomes steady, I begin to relax, and it's no longer about photos but enjoying Patrick for the next two hours and whatever she captures would simply be the essence of what goes on between the two of us. There was no posing. There was conversation, cuddling, holding, and smiling because we were honestly enjoying one another. He would sweetly hold my hips and nuzzle me and I felt so beautiful and feminine in his arms. I felt more beautiful because of how he was looking at me rather than because of anything my hair and makeup artist had done. I felt beautiful because of what his eyes reflected back to me.

We had a porcelain frog in many of our pictures because my previous roomate had passed down this frog to me because everyone who received the frog would then meet their husband. She received it and met her husband and so did the gal before her. So before she left, she passed it to me, and that year I met Patrick. The magic toad. The prophetic toad. The toad of Kisses.

I think I felt the most myself after I took off the white dress and put on my chucks andpopsicle dress. Patrick had on a T-shirt and backwards hat so it really just felt like us! Don't get me wrong, I felt like a beautiful enchanted princess in the white dress, but I also enjoyed being spunky and carefree in my sneakers!

After our shoot we went to the farmers market and enjoyed some tempa and lotus root and a deep fried swirly potato on a stick. I went back to my house and tried to study but it was impossible. I had now grown used to the makeup and felt way too pretty to study! I had so much fun with Patrick taking those photos and felt like a princess. Princesses do not read about drug addictions and eating disorders for psychology class. They like float around and drink rose water. So no thank you homework, good bye.

Patrick picked me up after a few hours of me floating and we drove to costa mesa to go lead worship with Jesus World Wide at a revival night. As usual The Royal Patricio read to me and helped me study for my mid-term on Monday. Once we were there we received and email that our photographer had already uploaded the photos for us to go through and look at! I was looking through the photos so excited about them! The photographer was right, the make-up really didn't seem like too much for the photos at all! As I was scrolling through the photos Patrick was in the middle of telling me something but I was so excited that I interrupted him with "Look at this one"! He stops and chuckles to hide his annoyance of me interrupting and I instantly knew my excitement came at the wrong time. But I also felt so in trouble like I did something wrong and immediately shut down. I apologized realizing the mistake I made, asked him to continue, then turned off and went silently though the pictures.

This is one of those "beautifu"l moments where I'm acting very sensitive and he's acting very harsh which is the perfect scenario for God to teach me to be unoffendable and Patrick to be gentle. It's hilarious to me the people God puts in our lives to grow us, and by hilarious I mean totally uncomfortable and trying and at times overwhelming. So I practiced sharing how I felt and that my feelings were hurt but that I was sorry and he practiced apologizing and saying he didn't mean to bark at me and we came together both trying to listen and understand the other. It always sucks. There's a lot of my feelings getting hurt. I feel like a pregnant person where any little thing fills me with tears! Don't worry I'm still a virgin so that's def. not what's happening. This whole crazy Bride thing is making more and more sense. I act Bi-polar ya'll.

After leading worshiping it was about 10pm and I was so tired. We leave early to make the hour drive back home. When we got in the car, we had a very upsetting voicemail. As you will read in my next post, earlier that week we had had the most PERFECT Wednesday and part of that day was seeming to fall apart... But I will fill you in on what happened next time...

We drove back home feeling confused and frustrated over this very long phone call. I took off my makeup and remembered, oh yeah Jillene still have terrible skin and acne. I didn't realize all that make-up temporarily erased the problem of having zombie skin that I couldn't seem to fix. I looked in the mirror and thought. Wow. You're really ugly. I was so sad with what my skin actually looked like and couldn't believe Patrick was settling for me when he could literally be with a model (and has been). I was so self-conscious. I climbed into bed crying. Patrick sat on the edge of my bed while I sobbed and said through sniffles that I was so ugly and couldn't believe he was settling for me. He spoke with such sweet kind words assuring me that was not true and affirming me but my mind was already clouded and I couldn't receive his words. I had woken up that morning with such anticipation and joy and yet fell asleep full of sadness. Why must each day be such a roller-coaster?

What is going on here? Again, the reality was yes, I took the most amazing pictures of my life, and had felt the most joy ever with Patrick during that photo shoot! I felt so in love, so happy, so peaceful and SO ENGAGED. But I had talked myself into thinking I was ugly and not worthy of love. But the truth is me feeling ugly was a lie. And we believe lies all the time. Satan and all his evil wants to rob us of Joy but we only give those lies power when we come into agreement with them and say, yeah this is totally true! I chose believing a lie instead of believing what Patrick said about me and even more so what God says about me. God says I am beautiful and tells me that true beauty comes from the inside, not from make-up. When we believe mean lies about ourselves, we curse ourselves and say "God I think you're a bed artist and am displeased with your work". Instead I should have been saying "God thank you for giving me a body so receptive to things that harm me that my skin tells me somethings wrong". A few weeks later I discovered a vitamin I was taking was producing so much testosterone in my body that it was creating acne. Had my skin not told me something was wrong I never would have known how messed up my hormones were and could have caused even worse internal problems! God designed our bodies perfectly, he makes no mistakes. We are all Gods beautiful children and were not created for evil words and harm but for life and joy. We miss out on God's joy when we believe lies over truth. And the truth is we are all beautiful for we were made in the image of God, the author of beauty and the essence of Love.