Perfect Recipe for Tears...Attending a Wedding.

Since I'm in grad school the majority of my life when I'm not working is reading. So, it was Saturday and I woke up early that morning to read and work on a paper as usual. I only had a limited amount of time because we were invited to our dear friends wedding in Costa Mesa that we know from church. I knew this wedding was gong to be a very spiritual experience and I was stoked to have something to look forward to and get my mind off school and my own anxiety that I still couldn't pin-point.

Patrick came and picked me up from my house, dressed very handsomely I might add, and off we went. Something that happens a lot with us is because we have so many friends we see that are about 45min-60min away, in order to help with my studies, Patrick will read to me my homework while I drive. I can't read because I get car sick, but he doesn't! It's been such an amazing way to share with him what I'm learning as well as actually get homework done with my crazy schedule! Plus, it's nice for us to be on the same page when it comes to new theories and concepts I'm being taught. Lucky him, the book for this car ride was "Wired for Intimacy", a book on why the male brain gets addicted to porn and why it's bad for you. So there we are on our 120 minute drive to our very spiritual wedding reading about porn addictions. #classic

We get to the wedding and it's BEAUTIFUL! The groom had been physically plowing the grassy hilled area and building walls with his soon to be father-in-law because he felt it was important symbolically to prepare the land for their union. They had a clear tent, and all the chairs were set in the round with beautiful candles and the bride and groom in the center. They had never kissed prior to their wedding day making it incredible to see them physically experience one another for the first time the moment they said I do! I couldn't help but feel, gosh I want that. I would have loved for us to have never kissed the duration of us dating. We've fasted kissing for periods of time and even when we did that there was so much beauty and break through in our relationship. I would never tell someone kissing is bad while they're just dating, but I've def. felt the benefits of curbing your desire to kiss the other for the sake of deeper intimacy with God and one another on an emotional and spiritual level. Every time that Patrick and I have been moved by God to fast kissing, God always teaches us something new about ourselves and the other. It always brings us closer.

I was asked by a sweet friend I was eating dinner with if we'd picked a date. I told her no and began to open up with her how sad it made me. She asked if I was able to enjoy the wedding or if everything I saw was just making me think of my own wedding. I told her the ladder of the two for sure and then was filled with deep sadness. She was so sweet and sympathetic and fully trusted that we would find a date in God's timing.

As the dancing started, the sun set, and the twinkly lights shined all throughout the venue. I found myself becoming more and more saddened by us not having a date. Being at the wedding began to feel like someone dangling candy in my face while on a sugar fast. The thought, "This is not for you. You don't get to have this" creeped in my mind. I slipped out and sat on a wooden swing hanging from a tree covered in white lights and began to cry. I finally understood where all this hidden anxiety was coming from. I was anxious because I felt like Patrick asked me to marry him, but nothing in his actions were stating that he was actually choosing me. I thought about how sad it made me that Patrick was choosing a "potential" job that he hadn't auditioned for nor was offered over solidifying a wedding date with me. I got into comparison mode and began thinking of the other christian men in my life and if they would make this same choice over their wives. I couldn't think of one who would. I was so hurt.

Another friend came and found me by the tree crying. She asked what was wrong. I shared that it was hard for me to enjoy a wedding so beautiful knowing that I may not get to create my own dream wedding. As a young girl I always dreamed of having a magical wedding I got to plan and have my creative hand in; that I would be surrounded by friends and family who loved me and desired to celebrate this momentous occasion with. So many dreams in my life I've had to give up, and I was so excited to get the dream of having a wedding...but it felt like that too was being taken away from me. She asked why? I told her there was a potential job Patrick was thinking about that would take place in the summer exactly when we wanted to get married. However, the audition wasn't public, there was no actual offer or guarantee, and yet the very thing we've been going after our whole relationship is being put on hold for a "maybe". I began to cry so much at this point it was hard to talk. I shared, I just don't know why he's choosing a job that he doesn't even have yet over me, and us getting married? I knew if I said, "Patrick please don't take this job" he would refuse it in a heartbeat, but I didn't want to tell him to choose me, I wanted him to desire in his own heart our relationship over work. I knew this job wasn't a dream job, but simply an opportunity to make money and it felt unfair that I had to give up my dream of a beautiful wedding in order for him to feel secure in making money. I felt like if he wasn't in a tight place financially this wouldn't be an issue.

My friend asked if I shared with Patrick these things. I told her not explicitly. She asked if I had doubts about marrying Patrick specifically...I said when he makes choices like this that don't honor me, it does. She said, well then let's pray. We can pray for the situation and trust God will lead us where we should go. Mind you, Patrick had walked by about 4 times during this conversation puzzled as to why I was crying and checking in on me. The last time he walked by, my friend said simply, "He loves you so much". She's right. He does. But in this moment it was really hard for me to choose to love him when I felt so unseen.

As we were praying I just wanted to be held by God. Out of no where this black puppy walked over from out of the darkness and came and sat in my lap. It was so comforting and so sweet, I felt like God had told his animal to come comfort me since I can't physically hug God. In that moment I knew God was with me and that it would all be okay. An awesome song came on, the puppy ran off, so I stood up and went on the dance floor and danced REALLY HARD TO DUB STEP. Nothing releases more energy than dancing.

On the drive home, all of the sadness instantly flooded my veins again. I was silent, and Patrick was confused. I can only assume that in his eyes, we were just at a beautiful wedding, had been dancing together and laughing for the past hour, and now I'm seriously upset and in the car with him when "seemingly" nothing happened. I began to share with him all the ways I was hurt by us not having a wedding date. I shared with him as many details about my own experience as I could. I had thought that I had been hinting to all these thoughts for some time about how anxious I felt not having a date but the more I spoke the more it became clear to me that he had no idea I was feeling this way. He didn't not realize that my anxiety wasn't over planning a quick wedding but because it felt like he wasn't choosing me.

After a long pause he spoke after having a new realization. He shared that because he is worried about whether he can provide as a husband and wanting to prove to his parents that he can be married and a working dancer, that he was putting this job first out of fear. He said that he really thought he was choosing this potential job for us as a couple, for the opportunity and finances it could bring us, but that the truth was it was coming from fear. I had no idea he didn't know the kind of choice he was making. It seemed to me that this choice was very intentional and that he truly thought it is more important that we make money next year than set a wedding date. I was so floored because the very things my friend and I were praying about on the swing he was realizing and voicing before my very eyes. I thought, "Wow God really is my advocate and Holy Spirit really does speak to us".

Then at some point the conversation turned and got a little heated. He was offended that I was speaking for him saying that he was choosing work over our marriage. At this point I did raise my voice and said, "But you are! That is literally what you are doing! You are choosing to put all our wedding plans aside for work, that's literally the scenario we are in. We have no date because it may or may not conflict with a job you may or may not have!!" I was so angry because to me it was worse than him picking work over our marriage he was picking the possibility of work over our marriage. We pulled into my drive way.

I went to the restroom and took my engagement ring off. I didn't want to wear something that is supposed to symbolize being chosen when the last thing I felt was chosen. I felt set aside, unseen, and hurt. Every time I looked down at my hand it was like a reminder of what I was not. Special. Special enough to be put above everything else (other than God of course). That I wasn't worth the kind of yes that meant saying No to all other possibilities that may come up. It was at that point I began to think can we actually recover from this conversation? Can I still marry him? Would I rather be alone?

He was sitting on the couch and I went over and sat across from him. He shared that he would like for us to pick a date and that we shouldn't put our wedding on hold based off his potential job. If it worked out than awesome, but if it didn't he would trust that God would provide other opportunities. I was hearing what I wanted but I was scarred that if he made this choice he would later resent me. That he would feel too upset about what he was giving up for us to get married. Plus I was still so emotionally charged. I told him, this is a very big statement, so I'm going to let you think about what you said for a couple days and if you still feel the same way then we can pick a date. I want this to be your choice, not just something you're doing because I asked you to. He said okay. I stood up and said, "I'm going to bed". And walked into my room and left him on the couch.

I was still so hurt and cried myself to sleep. I didn't know if he was going to fall asleep on the couch, stay up all night, or go home, but I didn't care. I was so wiped from caring that all I could do was ask, "God how are we going to reconcile? How am I ever going to want to be near him again"? I fell asleep.

As I slept I had this terrible dream. I was looking for Patrick but couldn't find him anywhere. By the time I did find him he was acting so broey and nonchalantly said yeah I don't want to marry you, I don't want to be with you. And the whole rest of dream I was trying to convince him to want to be with me and was so upset that I had lost him. I woke up sobbing! I've never woken up crying before? I got up before my brain was really aware of my legs moving in real life and stumbled out of my room in the dark looking for Patrick.

He did end up falling asleep on the couch and told me later it was because he wanted to be there in case I needed him. So intuitive. I stumbled through the living room and fell into his arms weeping and said, " I had a dream that you broke up with me". He sweetly said, "shhhh it's okay. I'm right here baby", and cuddled me back to sleep. We often make fun of when couples call one another baby, but in that moment it was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard and brought so much warmth to my heart. When we woke up I was filled with love for him and peace. Within a couple days he reassured me that he still wanted us to pick a wedding date regardless of what happened with future work stuff. We were finally of one accord, the anxiety had stopped, and my soul was at rest. Finally, the peace and joy I was waiting to feel as an engaged person. I could finally feel it.

I don't think God gives us nightmares, but that dream pushed my spirit into realizing that no part of me wanted to be without him. I didn't know how I was going to desire to be in his presence again and from a simple dream I ran back into his arms. The arms that were waiting for me through the night just in case I needed him. Patrick isn't perfect. He hurts my feelings a lot, and get's it "wrong" a lot of the times. But he also get's it "right" a lot of the times too. He's present. He stays. Even when I'm angry, or hurt, or being a brat he let's me be myself and express what's happening, he listens and trys to understand. I don't have to filter myself for him but can say freely exactly what I'm thinking or feeling and he helps me pick out what is true and what are lies I've come to believe. Nothing about our relationship is perfect and despite the thoughts of many around us we are not always happy, but we have built our relationship on the promise that even if we seem so far off the path we can't even see it, we will pause and realign ourselves back with God and from there pursue connection with one another. We don't know all the answers, but we know the author of all truth and all wisdom. We choose to humble ourselves before God and the other person and serve the other. We communicate, we listen, and we pray. There are moments of despair, and moments of pain, but God somehow always uses those moments to build even greater trust and understanding of one another. "I will never stop trying to make you love me, even if we are stuck in a rut. Don't matter how long we've been together, I'll be right there, never giving up. I won't stop". -Us the Duo