Buying THE engagement Dress

One of my to-do list items was to find a new dress to take engagement photos in. For years I had seen my friends post engagement pictures and it was something I was really looking forward to. I guess that concept is fairly new...most wedding books rarely even talk about the engagement process and they def. don't mention getting engagement photos taken. But, I knew I wanted to have an engagement party and engagement photos done. I love fairy tales, beautiful and romantic love stories and I wanted my engagement photos to reflect that. The photographer I went with is someone I had known in high school and all her work has that Alice in wonderland vibe that I love so much. All of her pictures look like Disney princesses are in them! I wanted to find a whimsical dress that looked flowy and romantic to fit the vibe of the photos.

My best friend Gracie came over to go on a walk, and after an hour we popped into a few stores just to see what dresses might catch our attention. After the 5th or so store we had gone into I tried on the dress you see above at a lingerie store called Lulu's. WE LOVED IT! It wasn't silk but it felt like it, it was so flowy and I thought would look so beautiful in a field with Patrick and his off-white with Navy pin stripes shirt. My mom told me she would buy a dress for me so I put it on hold. Gracie and I were screaming and hugging and laughing as we exited the store, so relieved to find the PERFECT dress. When we walked out we saw this other really beautiful dress in Beehive's store window but thought...ehh... no. We basically skipped all the way back to our car delighted in what we found. I texted my mom pictures of the dress and of the store so she could pick it up!

I was finally feeling in the "engagement" mood. We had looked at beautiful flowers, found a beautiful dress, and I was feeling the joy. I then met Patrick at a studio to dance with him. Every once in a while I have him teach me a lil' hip hop combo for some fun and exercise. I love dancing with him but his classes are way too hard for me. The only class I took of his I made him teach me 3/4 of the routine before class so I wouldn't be so freaked out. Even then I was easily the worst in the class. Our bodies naturally move very differently when it comes to hip hop so it takes me pretty long to catch his style. He will tell you I'm an amazing dancer...but he's got those "I'm in love" goggles on so I don't know how true that really is... ;)

Anyway, when I got to the studio I showed him pictures of the dress and he went bonkers; saying things like "Jillene, you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I cannot believe you are this beautiful in this picture and in real life"! I was def. blushing on the inside and so stoked that he loved the dress! He always makes me feel so beautiful and adored. He taught me a combo that was super fun! We danced and acted goofy for about an hour until we were drenched in sweat and had to go.

On my way home I couldn't help but laugh at how happy I was! I found the perfect dress with my best friend, my fiancé loved it, and I got to dance with him! Such a fun day!!!

Then I get this text from my mother essentially saying that she would not buy me that dress because it didn't look good or fit me well. I burst into tears. I was having such an incredible day and then all the joy is destroyed in one text. I was mad thinking "Okay, you said that you would buy me the dress that I wanted as a gift...I didn't know you had to approve of it as well. Why can't you just be happy and supportive of me like my best friend and fiancé? Why do you have to make me feel bad and make me cry"? I had a total melt down. Remember no one is capable of making us feel anything...Not even our moms. She did not make me sad, rather I had given her opinion so much weight for some reason that it was capable of crushing me with thoughts and lies of "you ALWAYS do this"...

So the real question was, "what are you still holding onto or what expectation do you have of your mom that are causing you to be so upset"?

I was so upset because 1. I felt like I was finally having an awesome day and I had been so anxious all week 2. because I felt angry and fearful that if it's my mothers money it's going to have to be my mothers way 3. I still was suppressing something that I couldn't identify about our engagement that was making me super on edge.

I called her fuming (bad choice). I immediately barked at her for being critical and not kind. So clearly I was being pretty hypocritical in that moment.

I claimed that I hadn't asked for her opinion on the dress, but rather told her "I found the PERFECT dress". Telling me that it didn't look good on me was not edifying (remember I'm still yelling this at her which also is not edifying). She then says something about "just trying to be honest", to which I felt even more hurt thinking, "there's got to be some sort of tact"! Just because something is true doesn't mean it shouldn't be said full of care and fore thought as to how the person might receive those words. That goes towards me too. Practicing slow start ups, meaning talking not at the emotional height, will create a much clearer conversation.

Full of anger and sadness, I tell her that I would meet her at the store so I could try it on for her in person. She's already there and I walk in the boutique in silence. Poor moms having to deal with cranky daughters. I try on the dress and she points out where the arms are too big, it's a little sheer, and the waist band elastic is crooked in the dress. She said, the dress is so cheap because it IS cheap. UGH SHE WAS RIGHT> THE DRESS DID SUCK. But I was still mad at how it was brought up in the first place and could not let it go. So I was mad that not only did the dress no longer work, but that my mom was right in it not working, and that I no longer had an INCREDIBLE DAY STREAK GOING.

She asked if we could go to one more store. So I took her to Beehive, still angry and pretty much silent. We picked out a few more options. I went into the dressing room, and the first (very expensive) well-made dress fit like a glove. Wow. It was like heaven grew a dress and slipped it on my body. Nothing feels better than a dress that is your size and feels like it was made for you. Dress after dress I kept falling in love with them. My frown quickly turned into a smile, so delighted in the beautiful dresses she had picked out. I sheepishly walked over to my mom and hugged her and said, "you were right. I like these dresses much better. I'm sorry I got so upset". She reminded me that she's not very good at the whole "grace" thing, but she's my mom and will always be honest about her opinion.

Some of our favorites we kept on hold. But the initial dress I saw with Gracie as we left in the window still had my eye. SO we asked the sales girl to undress the display model for me. I first tried on a size 4 and it fit perfectly, which was odd because I"'m a size 2. So then I tried on the size 2 but it was too big. Then I tried on the slip for the dress and it was all sorts of wonky. I kid you not when I say I tried on this dress in 3 different sizes no less than 8 times. This was only annoying cause it has SO MANY BUTTONS AND NO ZIPPER. I could not figure out what was wrong with this sizing situation. Finally we figured out that they had put the wrong tag on the dress, which wouldn't be a big deal other than the 45 minutes we all spent trying to figure out what was wrong with the dresses while I played human mannequin.

By the end of the night, I walk out with both my engagement party dress, and engagement photo dress. I ended up having so much fun shopping with my mom and loved the dress I ended up with 100x more than the initial navy blue dress I found. Sometimes we are so quick to jump from 0 to 100 with our mothers. I know I am, but I'm realizing more and more that I don't want to hold any anger or unforgiveness towards her. I want to love her freely and deeply and speak to her kindly and compassionately. I want this season to be a time we grow so close to one another and heal from past wounds and misunderstandings. I truly believe relationships can grow and change because I've seen it happen countless times. I've been praying for my mom and my relationship for the past 10 years. It wasn't long ago that I came home from college for thanksgiving and refused to sleep at home because I wasn't on speaking terms with her, to now being delighted by finding the perfect engagement dress with her.

Prayer really works, and people do change, and healing can truly happen. More and more I'm finding myself more connected to my mom and enjoying her in even deeper ways. You know who helped me with this? Patrick. HIs kindness and compassion and acceptance of her revealed to me the lack of grace I had for her. He would gently share with me if I was being unkind or harsh to her and advocate for her in times of disagreement. His sweet gentle spirit has been such an answer to my prayers of wanting to grow closer with her. He's truly helping redeem so many areas of my life and I'm grateful to have this memory of us searching for my engagement dress. The shopping spree of tears ended with abundant joy. Often I find when we sew tears we reap joy...some of the happiest people I know have endured the greatest pain.

(To see the engagement dress I ACTUALLY picked... you'll have to wait for my engagement photo post!)