The Anxiety of Engagement

Feelings are simply emergency lights on the dashboard of our souls telling us what might be going on inside of us. Feelings are not necessarily equivalent to truth. Feelings often change as circumstances change or as the secrets of our hearts are brought into the light and understood. At this point the secrets of my heart weren't understood to me. All I knew was that I was unhappy and didn't know why... Sometimes it's hard to identify our own emotions, especially if we don't realize that we haven't fully exposed how we are feeling to all those involved, but assume they know how we feel. Sometimes we have triggers from our past that make us over-react to a very simple event. Our response is way bigger than the event requires. But, if we can come out of hiding and identify the meaning of our feelings, we can be released into the present moment and fall back into the mindset of gratitude and move towards action instead of running away from ourselves or situation.

The next 4 days of being engaged I was extremely anxious and tired. The next morning I got engaged I was on my knees in the shower crying and praying because I felt so confused. I felt spiritually and emotionally drained and craved being alone. I didn't want to be around Patrick or anyone. I was so exhausted. Every time someone said congratulations, I felt like I had to "act happy" to make the person feel comfortable. I didn't feel in love. I felt afraid. Questions came to mind like, What are the reasons you are getting married? What thoughts come to mind that stress you out about marriage? Why are you having a wedding? Is there something that stresses you out about being married to Patrick specifically? What makes you feel excited? Are there disappointments? Are there joys?

I realized what I hadn't done was spend time with God. I took a few hours and worshipped The Lord on the piano. I prayed. I cried. I brought my whole heart before him. I wasn't trying to answer these questions or solve my anxiety, I just wanted to be with God. God is so faithful. Peace flooded my soul. My heartbeat slowed down, the anxiety left. I felt like myself again and actually began to feel grounded in this engagement. I got dolled up, put on a dress and got ready to go to my brothers 40th birthday party.

When Patrick saw me he said I was glowing and I'm pretty sure his jaw dropped... ;) He remarked that he could tell I had spent time with God and was jealous for that time too. We both had been so caught up with the engagement process that we weren't having our regular alone time with God; time to pray and meditate and find rest for our souls. At the party we played games, ate food, it was overall such a beautiful night! So much laughter, cuddling, joy - It felt like how "newly weds" describe feeling. I was beginning to feel safe and secure in this decision we had made together.

At the end of the night my older brother really wanted Patrick to try his favorite whiskey. Let me preface this next event with: THIS IS MY BAGGAGE. I BLAME NO ONE ELSE FOR WHAT HAPPENED HERE. I had had a conversation with Patrick about being extremely sensitive to alcohol due to some very extreme events that happened in my family and previous boyfriends. I don't really freak out when other people drink, it only comes up when a boyfriend drinks because I'm scared of him turning into an alcoholic. Truly. I'm afraid that will really happen, not because of anything my Patrick has done or has acted but because of the power I've seen alcohol have in relationships and how it has destroyed families and destroyed relationships to the core. It has nothing to do with how Patrick can or cannot hold alcohol, it's because I've been so traumatized.

So my brother asks him to try his favorite whiskey, and I simply go numb and silent. Poor Patrick is in this terrible position of trying to honor my brother on his 40th birthday, honor me from our previous conversation, not trying to expose me about my insecurities about alcohol but not wanting to be rude to my older brother either. This sweet man was just dumped with so many micro decisions t make in the matter of 10 seconds. The only reason he was even put into this situation was because of my own trauma around this subject. These were not consequences he deserved because of his own actions at all. It was so hard and so awkward. In his attempt to please both my brother and I he simply dipped his finger in the glass to get a taste of this drink and be able to affirm my brothers drink of choice.

I go numb. I freeze. I hold back tears. Ugh. REAL LIFE IS HARD TO NAVIGATE. Just because we were engaged didn't mean life stopped and turned into lollipops and gum drops. Life still happens, feelings still get hurt. If we expect otherwise we will be really shocked. So he dips his finger. I'm holding all the logical and illogical thoughts and feelings that are happening in my hands. I know Patrick's heart in this moment, I know my older brother's heart, I know my history, I know I have some PTSD when it comes to alcohol, I know it's not a big deal, yet I know it feels like a big deal to me and that my feelings are valid. I know I already forgive him, and I know I'm hurt that he didn't go that extra mile for me and say no thanks man. Compassion and hurt are equally flowing through my mind and emotions. Having to validate everyone's experience in one moment is a challenge when feelings (stupid feelings) exist. Even though my brain was working overtime, my emotions did not care, my emotions turned on fear, coldness, hurt, sadness, and they began to rise to the surface.

So how did we handle this? We talked about it. And it was a really hard conversation. He was beating himself up far more than anything I could've said. So after talking about the details of that night we talked about forgiveness and how we can both encourage one another into closer relationship with God. All I want is to point him to God and the grace God gives. It's hard for me to transition from pain to joy, but I know God will teach me to let go of my hurt quicker and quicker overtime. Because if God is love he will lead us to all peace. And he did. God truly brought us closer together that night as we sought to understand one another and reconnect with the author of love.

But was this event a reflection of the future or an isolated event? For me it was like I finally found peace in our engagement and by the end of the night I was knocked right back down again. The whole engagement process was feeling like intense spiritual attack. What I mean by spiritual attack is that because this marriage is such a beautiful and healing thing for us, God's Kingdom, and for so many people in our lives, Satan or "negative energy" however you feel most comfortable explaining it, is so not down for the great amount of good that will come from our marriage and is pushing against us. Sometimes we feel resistance in our lives when we are making the wrong choice to protect us, and sometimes we feel resistance because we are making such an amazing choice, that Satan who is here to kill steal and destroy wants to rob us from that Joy! That's why prayer is so important, to be able connect with God and have God reveal if it's attack or protection.

At this point I was asking, "God is this your protection leading me away from a bad marital choice, or is this Attack"? By Sunday evening at church I was so overwhelmed by all my anxiety that marriage might not be the right choice that I hysterically sobbed all during church. I couldn't stop crying. I was afraid God would be upset with me if I was being disobedient to him. Decision making really overwhelms me. I spoke and prayed with my pastor, Micah, who just happened to be preaching on spiritual attack that night and as he prayed and spoke with me. So much heaviness began to fall off of me. He prayerfully identified that because every man I've ever dated in my life has cheated on me, I was full of fear to commit to Patrick because I was so weighed down from my past. As I prayed I felt Jesus say, "Cheating is not what I have for you". Here I was trying to push the blame of my own fear on whether or not Patrick was "the one" when I needed some serious healing of my past. Healing from past relationships, healing from the men and women in my life that were addicted to alcohol, healing from feeling unsafe to be vulnerable with others because I might be rejected all needed to happen in my heart.

That Monday I went to spiritual direction (in this instance, group therapy that is prayerfully lead by a spiritual director) and I just shared with the group all my anxieties of engagement. The anger of the question "do you have a date"? Processing that my brothers (who have always been my priority) are being replaced with Patrick. (Obviously I don't love them less, but just having to get use to my priorities being re-ordered). Feeling afraid of whether or not Patrick can take care of me tenderly (duh he can, that man is DOPE!!). Afraid of having sex for the first time, afraid of being financially strong, afraid of us being our own little tribe, overwhelmed by him leaving for months for tour, confused over what work looks like for both of us next year. Even the mourning of him not being "my boyfriend" any more. ...etc... To which my director said:

"yep that sounds about right".

I thought, "WHAT?!?!?! This is normal?"

She said, "Yes. Engagement is both full of joys and full of mournings."

I HATE THIS!!!! WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS?!

She said yeah, it would be more helpful if people talked about all the thoughts of engagement and not just the happy ones. And so I thought,

I'm going to start a blog, so people know the highs the lows, the victories and the struggles.

After this spiritual direction session, I felt validated that I was okay. I knew it was okay I was marrying Patrick, I knew God was with me in this choice. I knew it was okay to being feeling overwhelmed and that it was a good thing for me to metabolize these feelings so I could get to the really happy ones (which I promise you will hear of those soon too... can I just say that today> 3 weeks later< I am so insanely in love and am laughing like a goon everyday! I can't wait to marry the man of my dreams! I'm literally marrying a model and a man truly after the Lord's heart, so pure in Spirit). It wasn't until I could fully evacuate all of my feelings in an honest way that I could release the anxiety of if he was "the one". But... there was still a little something there...I didn't know what it was...but I was repressing something. But what the heck was it? At this point I thought, I'm gonna ride this high and I'm sure this will go away.

But as you know repressing something does not make it go away...and those ugly feelings will pop up when you least expect them or desire them...like in the middle of a wedding you are a guest at...

stay tuned...