WE'RE ENGAGED! Fantasy + Reality PART 1.

I always thought that the day I got engaged would be the best day of my life. I don't know that that's true? ... What I'm realizing more and more is how complex each day is. Somedays, every hour feels like a new season. Then there are other days that are full of so much beauty and laughter it's hard to remember what sorrow and frustration even feels like. The reality is there's possibility of beauty, laughter, stress, tears, anger and peace even on "the best day of your life"...and that's okay! There's no such thing is, "I should feel happy right now"... because life is so much richer than that. The sooner we can all be less judgmental of ourselves and our situation and come to terms with the various dynamics of life, the less surprised we will feel when things don't go according to plan or a moment feels different than how we thought. What if instead we asked a few questions , "what about this moment right now is causing me to feel this way"? "How can I seek connection in this moment"? "Did I have an expectation that was different from reality"?

THE STORY: I woke up Thursday morning with a text from Patrick that he was going to pick me up and we were going to do something fun that day. Right then I knew he was proposing. I jumped out of bed and started getting ready. Ugh but it was not a good hair day, (or skin day for that matter...) but I wanted my hair to be done, so I had to settle for some French Braids. You know those days when you're like, eh I don't feel cute... but whatever... yeah it was that kind of feel. THE DAY I GOT ENGAGED I DIDN'T FEEL CUTE! Real. Life.

He came over with a camera though he never brings his camera anywhere...stealthy stealtherison...and he was so sweet saying, "Yeah I just thought we could take some pictures today!" Right... some "Pictures".

GUYS THEN I WAS SO BAD! He left to go put air in the tires of the car and he left his back pack... so OBVIOUSLY I looked inside to see if there was a ring box. I KNOW I KNOW. But like, come on don't leave your backpack with a ring in it alone with me? Obviously I'm going to look? (I know I was being a snoop). BUT THERE WAS A RING BOX!! I screamed and ran outside in my backyard SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC and was freaking out! I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and I was just so excited!

I texted my brothers telling them about my deed. They told me I spoiled my own life. Thanx guys... I told them we all had grave secrets. They refused, they said I had to tell Patrick because at this point they were free of any grave secrets and were not willing to start now. Blugh. So now I know that he really is going to propose and I have to hide it!

Patrick get's back home, I'm acting like an insane person and can't stop laughing, he's really nervous and acting aloof and from that beautiful place we leave to go to a butterfly sanctuary. We get there, and it's closed! The whole road is closed off... So we go to this park right next door, I jump in the port-o-potty...classy Jillene. Here's the thing. I had told him my ring size was 4 &3/4 but last time I tried on that ring size it was too small because my hands were swollen. I was so nervous the ring wasn't gonna fit so I was DOWNING water like it was my job so I could get rid of any water weight. Poor Patrick is thinking: what's with this chick having to go to the bathroom literally every 20 minutes?

We are on the swing set, he's taking super cute pictures, I was taking super cute pictures, and it was so beautiful and sunny outside. I was honestly just enjoying doing something different with him! I love taking photos but I don't have a nice camera so getting to use his already felt like such a treat for the day! I thought for sure he would ask me there! Nope. Can I tell you a secret... though it was such a simple moment and only about 15 minutes long, it was one of my favorite moments of the day. maybe even of that week.

We get in the car to go to The Science Center. "Isn't this by the rose garden where our first date was", I asked. "Oh, is it"? Patrick said. Oh he knew. He knew. We got to a Pixar Exhibition and it's awesome! We are taking so many cool pictures with all the pixar models, learning about how animation is done, and just being playful little cuties! I love getting to learn new things with Patrick because we both get so easily excited! When we left the exhibit I recommended we go to the rose garden, but when we got there IT WAS CLOSED!

Listen, so the initial place Patrick wanted to take me was called Heritage Square and that was also closed, Butterfly Sanctuary close and now this is the 3rd place he's tried to take me to in order to propose to me and it was closed!

Ya'll that was disappointing. It just was. I was exhausted for him that I just laid down on a bench on my back outside the garden thinking, why the heck this is so annoying. It wasn't the end of the world of course but it was a bit of a bummer.

Patrick set up his camera on a tripod on a picnic bench outside the garden while I laid across from him exasperated and acting like I didn't totally know what was happening. That's the other thing. Knowing did not make it a less special moment! It didn't! I loved seeing how he was maneuvering through the day and wondering how he was going to go about everything. He stayed so calm and cool despite all the hick-ups. I did not. Ya'll I'm not mellow. Just not. Very not.

He then offered me his hand and asked me to dance. While we were dancing I thought the box kept slipping out of his back pocket because he would get the cutest smile come across his face as he shifted something in his back pocket. Wow I love his smile. What was actually happening was that he was trying to grab the ring box to propose but I just kept whirling around and dancing too fast he couldn't grab it. Then at some point in our silly dancing, he got down on one knee. I exhaled. And then he asked me...

"Jillene Johnson. Will you marry me?"

I paused and then just hugged him and kissed him and said "YES"!!!

We were laughing and hugging and kissing and literally just freaking out like we finished a marathon.

THERE WERE 8 MILLION EMOTIONS HAPPENING SIMULTANEOUSLY:

I was so stoked and relieved that I didn't have to wait any longer, but scared thinking what the heck am I getting into? I wanted to cry cause I was just so overwhelmed and then instantly tired because of all the excitement. I wanted to know how he was feeling, did he regret this? Do I regret this? Wait our car meter is almost up. So what are we supposed to do now? Wow I'm so glad the ring fits. This ring is beautiful, but I never thought of a ring like this. Do I really like it? Of course I like it! How much was it? That doesn't matter Jillene. How long has he had it for? What time am I teaching at? AH IM SO Excited. Is this right? Is this Gods will? Whoa, I'm hungry.

All these questions in maybe the first 5 seconds. You guys, engagement and marriage is a huge decision like we know but it's not real, until it's real. Us talking and planning about marriage still didn't calm my heart for when the opportunity was really there. I thought I was so prepared, I mean I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING and yet It was so overwhelming for me. Was I suppose to feel happier? Was I excited enough? I didn't feel excited I just felt so overwhelmed. I knew I loved Patrick, I knew he was amazing, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I thought I would feel differently when the moment happened. It wasn't just all sweet with butterflies and bliss, it was actually kind of frightening. I realized that I never had created fantasies in my mind about the right ring, or the right way to propose or the "perfect guy"...I had created a fantasy and a dream about how I thought I was suppose to feel. When it was something different from my expectations, I didn't know how to handle that...

I was simultaneously so happy and so shell shocked. Was this okay to be feeling this way?

To be continued...